I'm not usually one who believes in conspiracy theories, but this whole "Rick Majerus/Taco Bell partnership" has me wondering.
What? You haven't heard the one about the incredibly successful Ute coach and the fast-foot giant that serves up inexpensive quasi-Mexican food being in cahoots?
Well then, let me fill you in.
Midway through the first half at every Ute home game this season, the Huntsman Center P.A. announcer tells the crowd to hang on to their ticket stubs because they could be worth a free chalupa (retail value $1.39) at any local Taco Bell. And this is a free chalupa, too, not a buy-one-get-one-free deal. But there's a catch. In order to cash in on the tasty tortilla the Utes must win the game — which hasn't been a problem, since they're unbeaten at home this season — and score at least 80 points.
And there's the catch.
Guess how many times the Utes have scored 80 points at home this season?
That's right. Zero, zip — or as the Taco Bell Chihuahua would say — nada.
Some people could argue that this is just a coincidence and there is nothing sinister about it. They could say that Utah simply hasn't scored 80 in a game because of its deliberate motion offense and hard-nosed defense.
Yeah, right. And there wasn't a second gunman on the grassy knoll.
The evidence, while circumstantial, is conclusive. It's as obvious as the U.S. government's cover-up of UFOs in Roswell and in Area 51 that Majerus and the Utes don't want their fans to get free chalupas.
Why not, you ask? Think about it. Majerus is saving Taco Bell tons of money. Utah has had 12 regular season home games with crowds averaging more than 11,000 per. I'm not mathmetician, but that's about 132,000 tickets distributed. With chalupas worth $1.39 each, that equals up to $183,480 saved by Taco Bell simply because the Utes don't have a run-and-gun offense. And it would be even more if fans opted for steak or chicken chalupas (rather than the usual ground beef variety) since those retail at $1.99!
So it's not exactly as big a deal as NASA faking the moon landing or the United Nations attempting to create a New World Order. Still, it's irritating.
Scoring 80 points should not be so difficult. With 40 minutes of game time, that's only one basket per minute. Throw in some 3-pointers and you can even score fewer than a hoop every 60 seconds and still make it with room to spare.
Is that so much to ask?
Granted, there are some games for which Ute fans can't blame Majerus. Utah was lucky to score 40 points against Air Force and had only 51 versus Alabama.
But there have been far too many so-close-but-no-chalupa nights for Ute fans to swallow.
Take, for instance, the Dec. 3 game against Winthrop. Utah, for some odd reason seemingly played without a sense of urgency in the second half after getting ahead by 30 points. The Utes finished eight shy in a 72-42 victory.
Four nights later was a real tease. Utah was all over Arizona State and scoring at will — until it counted most. The Utes came up one bucket short in a 78-55 win over the Sun Devils.
Wins over Northern Iowa (75-53), Weber State (72-58), Indiana Purdue University-Fort Wayne (76-59) and Ripon (75-59) followed. The win over IPUFW was particularly hard for fans to stomach since the Utes had 46 points at the half and then failed to score at all in the final four minutes. As the masses hungered for a Mexican treat, Majerus was playing walk-ons who he probably couldn't identify in a police lineup instead of Nick Jacobson, Britton Johnsen and Tim Frost at chalupa crunch time.
Then there was the New Mexico game on Jan. 3. Again, it looked like the chalupa was in the bag — but missed free throws down the stretch cost the home crowd dearly in a 78-68 U. victory.
In every post-game radio interview, Majerus thanks the fans for their support. Why not thank them by feeding them greasy fast food? One would think Majerus, of all people, would love to give the supporters something to sink their teeth into.
That's why this whole thing must be a Majerus/Taco Bell conspiracy, right?
I haven't been this upset since I found out — by playing my "White Album" and "Abbey Road" records backward — that Paul McCartney was killed in a car wreck back in 1967 and replaced by a look-alike.
E-MAIL: lojo@desnews.com