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Freedom fries, other silliness

Adding a new twist to the schoolyard game of name-calling, members of Congress have decided that, henceforth and forever, all french fries they devour will be known as "Freedom Fries."

Critics have said such a move displays a striking strain of silliness from America's leaders at a time the nation is pondering weapons of mass destruction.

We say Congress needs to take the concept to its logical conclusion. They should show some boldness.

Why single out the hapless french fry industry for ridicule? If America is going to do this thing, it needs to be done across the board and with unflinching courage. Renaming foods is not for the faint of heart.

From this day forward, therefore, it is imperative that all loaves of French bread be labeled "Freedom Bread" and all jars of French dressing be "Freedom Dressing." The family behind French's mustard will be allowed to keep its name, though the product must now be "Freedom's Mustard."

All American musicians will be obliged to play "Freedom horns" and kids made to eat "Freedom toast" for breakfast.

The French Quarter in New Orleans must become the "Freedom Quarter."

Since the "franc" is France's main unit of currency, all men in America named "Frank" must be referred to henceforth as "Buck."

By degree, we must dance to the tunes of Buck Sinatra and Bucky Avalon. Horror movies must be about Buckenstein and baseball fans will be required to eat "buckfurters" at ball games.

In "Gone with the Wind," Clark Gable will now declare, "Buckly, my dear, I don't give a whatever" and the Wise men will deliver "Buckenscence" to Bethlehem.

On top of that, all French words should be purged from the dictionary. A "bouquet" will be known as a "handful" of flowers and "filet mignon" will be a "block of beef."

Anyone caught saying "adieu" will be — in Shakespeare's words — "dissolved into a dew."

If Congress wishes to send a message, it should send a message. It is no time for weak knees, lily livers and, pardon the expression, sissies in "Freedom cuffs."

Now, about those Germans . . .