Scrooge, Oscar the Grouch, Simon from American Idol, Donald Rumsfeld, Eminem, Merrill Cook, Jerry Sloan and anybody else with cranky, cantankerous or curmudgeonly dispositions should be put on immediate alert.
Today has been declared as the Great American Grump Out by a gleeful group known as — say, cheese! — Smile Mania.
This is not a joke.
You are, however, supposed to giggle and grin the day away according to the official Grump Out guidelines. Organizers (aka Smile Ambassadors) encourage everyone "to promote world peace, harmony and well-being through the simple act of a smile," to give up grumpiness for 24 hours, to carry around a banana (held sideways and upright they resemble smiles), and to not make fun of them. That would be against the rules on this bright, sunshiny day. So would watching movies like "Grumpy Old Men" and not whistling while you work.
Surprisingly, perhaps, this idea did not originate in Happy Valley.
Not surprisingly, Grump Out wasn't created by bosses, journalists or the Internal Revenue Service, either.
And if you were wondering, LaVell Edwards, the BYU coaching legend whose stone-faced expressions on the sideline usually ranged between cross and crotchety to surly and sour, is not the Smile Mania poster child.
Christine Southgate only wishes every day was Grump Out. A parking enforcement officer with Salt Lake City, she laughed and lamented that she deals with grumpy people "every day, all day." While on duty, she's been yelled at and blamed, colorfully called every curse word in the sailors' book and physically threatened — and that was just before her lunch break.
Despite an onslaught of grumpiness that's lasted about 10 years, Southgate loves her job. "You listen, grit your teeth and bear it."
Because she's short (about 4 feet and a baker's dozen inches tall) and soft-spoken, Southgate claims she's a "prime target" to be picked on. Even, she said, "by someone like Karl Malone."
The Mailman? C'mon, a postal worker being grumpy?
"Yes," she said, "he has."
It seems Malone wasn't too excited to receive a slip of paper from her. He even asked if she knew who he was.
She did, of course.
He was the really tall, muscular guy whose vehicle was ticketed for being parked at an expired meter. Southgate didn't admit she also knew he, along with being a parking prima donna, was an NBA superstar. As her story goes, he ripped the ticket up and dared her to give him 50 more citations. She didn't. It was Be Nice To A Grump Day.
This will be the second annual Grump Out — patterned after the national Smoke Out — but nobody asked at the ZCMI Center had heard of it. Not even at Hallmark. The gift store — which, an employee joked, is all about helping people "buy love" — did offer cures for the common case of crankiness: corny cards, a keepsake Christmas ornament featuring the grumpiest villain in a land far, far away (Darth Vader); Winnie the Pooh (and Tigger, too) figurines at 50-percent off; Snoopy stickers; and an apt book titled "The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People."
Secret No. 99: Money does not buy happiness. At Hallmark, it will, however, buy a Father's Day card for 99 cents, Creamy Lobster Bisque dry mix for $2.50 and Peter Jensen's pledged perkiness.
"Give me more money, and I won't be grumpy," he said. "Part of the grumpiness in the state is too much debt."
Jared Jeppson of Farmington has his own remedy: Seinfeld reruns. Southgate suggests people should "smile, feed the meter and move on with life." Karen Schimmelpfennig, also from Davis County, put a big yellow smiley face in her bathroom so she'd "wake up with a smile." She laughed that it hasn't worked yet. She's certain her husband would classify her as a grump and her brother just recently called her cranky.
"Old and cranky," she added.
The opposite could be said of Veneta Davies. The young and chipper Salt Lake City resident has a friend who needs to Grump Out, but not her.
"I'm actually never really grumpy," she said. "People try to make me grumpy, but I just can't be grumpy."
No wonder: She works in a mall candy store that has a "No Diet Zone" poster on its entrance. She's among those who believe chocolate is the antidote for grumpiness.
"Everyone," she said, "gets happy when they see candy."
So, consider this your warning, grumps: hide, or be happy.
And carry around a chocolate-covered banana just in case.
E-mail: jody@desnews.com