It never fails. No matter how many times I say no, my 2-year-old, Ben, still smears his yogurt all over the kitchen table. No matter how many times I beg him to hurry, he still examines the lint on the floor mats before he crawls into his car seat. Some days, I could swear toddlerhood is one giant plot designed to drive me insane.
Of course, toddlers aren't trying to be exasperating. They just don't operate the way grown-ups do. We've spent enough time on the planet to know (usually) that "no" means "no." We can follow directions without a second's thought.
But 1- and 2-year-olds are in their own little world — tiny scientists constantly confronted with new discoveries. For them, learning the rules — often by breaking them — is important research.
Still, there's hope for us. Life with a toddler can be easier if you learn to see the world through her eyes:
What, me hurry?
WHAT, ME HURRY?
In Hyattsville, Md., Mary Crane rushes to get her twins, Nell and Tim, into the car and off to day care. But the 2-year-olds scatter: Nell runs around and around a tree, while Tim searches for a ball that went into the bushes the day before. No amount of coaxing gets them into their seats.
PARENT THINKS: Don't you have any regard for my schedule? We're going to be late.
TODDLER THINKS: Let's play! Where did that ball go?
HOW TO BRIDGE THE GAP: Toddlers believe that the world revolves around them — they aren't capable of understanding anyone else's needs. Nor can they see what the big rush is.
They live in the here and now.
Save yourself headaches by doing your best to make sure that yesterday's unfinished business doesn't become today's delay. Try to find the ball the day it's lost. And minimize any visible distractions. If I leave crayons out on the kitchen table overnight, Ben will want to play with them instead of going to day care the next morning. But when I remember to put them away once he's in bed, no more struggles.
If your child dawdles, remind her of all the fun she'll have coloring or singing when she gets to day care. Or divert her attention by requesting some assistance. I often speed Ben up by asking him to help me carry something small out to the car .
Another tactic you might try: Set a timer for five or 10 minutes and explain that you'll all have to leave when the bell rings. If all else fails — as sometimes it may — save the age-appropriate coaxing for another time and gently but matter-of-factly swoop up your child, plop her in her car seat and strap her in.
Picky palates
When nothing else would please him, Miles Bailey, 2, of Silver Spring, Md., would always eat broccoli with macaroni and cheese — until one day when he suddenly shoved his entire meal onto the floor. "No cheese, Mommy. No cheese!" he wailed.
PARENT THINKS: How can you hate something you loved yesterday? "Doesn't he understand that I don't have time to create 17 different meals just to find the one that will work for him?" says Miles' mom, Monette Austin Bailey.
TODDLER THINKS: If I knew the right words, I'd say, "Enough already! I'm tired of mac and cheese!" Or "I'd rather have a sandwich." Instead, I'll just dump the dishes on the floor and maybe you'll get the point.
HOW TO BRIDGE THE GAP: Like adults, kids can tire of a food, be in the mood for something different, or simply not be hungry. Unlike adults, toddlers have a hard time explaining what they want. Their likes and dislikes aren't always clear-cut, either.
Maybe they enjoy bananas, but only if you mash them. Or chicken nuggets, but only if there's sauce to dip them in.
So if your child can't express himself clearly and you can't read his mind, what do you do if his tastes seem to change overnight or he won't try something new? Many parents offer a variety of choices, even if they don't have the time or patience for it.
When Miles turned down mac and cheese, Bailey gave him cut-up turkey dogs. No go. Next was rice. That hit the deck, too. "I was about ready to put him on the floor," says his mom.
In cases like this, the battle may have nothing to do with the food itself — it's just a toddler exercising his desire for control. The best way to win: Step out of the ring.
I offer my 2-year-old one plate with a balanced meal on it. If he doesn't want anything on it, that's fine. But I don't give him any other choices. If you prefer, go ahead and present another option. But if your child turns up his nose at that, too, then it's OK for dinnertime to be over.
If your child won't try something new, don't hesitate to offer it again a few days or weeks down the road. Presentation or preparation can make a difference. A kid may like hamburgers but not meat loaf, for instance. When you reintroduce an item, don't make a big deal about it.
Testing, testing
Ben is playing upstairs. I'm in the kitchen when suddenly I hear wham! I peek around the corner to see a pile of toys on the floor and Ben at the top of the stairs, poised to send more down.
PARENT THINKS: Hey! Let's not break those toys — they cost a lot of money! Why can't you just carry them downstairs? Why do you have to throw all of them?
TODDLER THINKS: Is this cool or what? Everything I drop goes down. I love the way that one bounced around and made a crashing noise!
HOW TO BRIDGE THE GAP: Toddlers love anything that shows cause and effect — whether it's opening and closing a door, dropping things from their high chair . . . or tossing toy after toy down steps. "They're looking for predictability: Every time I throw this on the stairs, it goes down instead of up," says Ruth Peters, Ph.D., author of "Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting" (Rodale Press, 2002).
However annoying for moms and dads, this is actually a crucial milestone. But why isn't once, or even three times, enough?
But since "over and over" typically means months, and not days, how do you survive all the destruction?
Don't punish. Instead, show your child what she's allowed to do. With Ben, I illustrated the difference between hard toys and our set of soft foam blocks: "Hard toys — cars, trains — stay here," I said, putting them in his toy box. "Foam blocks, OK," I said, tossing one down the stairs, to his delight.
Diane Benson Harrington is the managing editor of Freelance Success, a newsletter and Web site www.freelancesuccess.com for writers. This article first appeared in Parenting magazine. © The Parenting Group