The last day of the week at Costco isn't officially called Sample Saturdays, but it should be.
From the sudden gleam in your eye and the watering in your mouth, it's apparent that you know what this is all about. Catch ya on Aisle 13.
Sample Saturdays are pretty simple really. Pay a relatively small annual fee, and in return, you get an all-you-can-nibble bite-size buffet once a week. Not to sound like a Costco commercial, but it's an investment.
This culinary concept is an ingenious idea. Annual memberships for weekly smorgasbords! It could revolutionize the dining-out industry. Sampling stations could set up an introductory system a la fitness spas — 2-for-1 munching memberships, gratuitous one-week taste-trial periods, individualized palate plans. Give free tours, too. In a twist, skinny people would feel intimidated as they walked by well-trained masticating members.
Hey, Chuck-A-Rama and HomeTown Buffet, are you listening? (Probably not. It's Saturday. They're likely in the free lasagna line right now.)
Some take the sampling at Costco quite seriously. Sampling savants are easily spotted. They don't bother wasting time pretending to be looking at the bag of frozen chicken parts in the cooler next to the free grub. They just go straight for the kill. They're so skilled, they never even have to wait for the next batch to be prepared. They're also trained in hand-to-hand combat for battling ladies with long nails and dealing with an onslaught of sneaky children, who usually swipe more than one mini-cup at a time.
Beginners, on the other hand, act as if they're casually strolling along and accidentally run into the samples. Easiest way to spot newcomers? They're the ones actually listening to the sales pitches, accepting the coupons and feigning interest in buying the product. By that time, the Samplers are done smooth-talking the new Samplees — the experts are aisles away and several courses ahead. The experienced ones will even lap the rookies, who'll soon learn not to try to lug around all those cases of green beans and the 96-pack of double-ply t.p.
Like high-performing athletes, it's best to have a game plan. Know your X's and O's before you go.
For example, start (on the count of three) with a post route in produce for some grapes. Do a few criss-crosses across the frozen section for some chimichangas and a mini-quiche or two. Pick-and-roll through the milk-and-cheese aisle for a stuffed jalapeno cream-cheese Popper and cottage cheese on a cracker. Zig-zag by the meat department for Chef Bruce Aidell's smoked chicken and mango sausage, and some tortellini and ravioli. Then, fast-break to the bakery for a scoop of cheesecake or apple pie.
Need a breather? Mosey over to the drink display to wash it all down with a swig or two of Ryan's freshly squeezed natural pasteurized Apple Cider. But be quick, there's still sticky rice and teriyaki sauce, potstickers, turkey-based bologna, pizza pockets, potato salad and beef stew to snarf down.
Do the math, and Sample Saturdays is even more appetizing. Forty-five dollars plus tax, divided by 52 Saturdays a year, equals 86.5 cents, plus tax per meal. Now, divide that in two again if you bring a spouse, date or lifetime eating partner, and it equals 43.75 cents plus tax per person per meal. Throw in a generous 7 percent tip — this is Utah, after all — and you've got yourself lunch for two for 95.15 cents, plus tax.
It gets better.
Divide that sum two or three or 12 more times, depending on the size of your household, and Costco actually ends up paying you to eat on Sample Saturdays.
Or . . . maybe they'll pay you NOT to eat on Sample Saturdays.
Either way, it's a deal worth sinking your teeth into.
E-MAIL: jody@desnews.com