The bankruptcy of the academy blossoms at commencement time. These ceremonies that send forth lads and lasses to compete in each other's golf tournaments mystify.
Some have great speakers such as Rod Paige, secretary of education, and Joe Clark, former principal and subject of the film "Lean on Me." Madeleine Albright was an abysmal secretary of state, but she has a great voice and wowed the graduates at George Washington.
There is, however, a clear pattern of decline. George C. Marshall spoke at Harvard's 1947 commencement — on the Marshall Plan. This year Will Ferrell spoke. MIT once had presidents speak, but then went with Click and Clack, the car talk guys from NPR. Bill Murray served as Columbia's speaker in 2000, wearing a grass skirt and coconut brassiere to offer, "I have a degree — from high school. But I am a (expletive deleted) millionaire." Oprah is a regular on the commencement circuit because of this insight, "There's a surge, there's a kind of energy field that says, 'I'm in my groove, I'm in my groove.' "
John Mellencamp, aka John Cougar, aka artist formerly known as John Cougar Mellencamp, spoke at Indiana University; but refused to wear a robe. Administrators placed his doctoral hood atop his white T-shirt. No tank top? John's advice, "Play it like you feel it, baby, and live it up, kid. You'll be all right." Drew Carey told the graduates at Cleveland State that he planned to put his honorary doctorate to good use, "Hey, baby, trust me; I'm a doctor." Newly minted "Dr." Jon Bon Jovi speaking at Monmouth speaks for itself. Ted Turner offered this gem: "It's all relative . . . I sit down and say, geez, I've only got $10 billion, but Bill Gates has $100 billion, I feel like I'm a complete failure in life."
Wellesley takes the prize for bizarre ceremonies. Whoopi Goldberg gave its 2002 address. Nora Ephron, the writer, and a 1962 graduate, spoke in 1990 on the sad, dark ages when women had to drive from New York to Union, N.J., for abortions in rooms with bad lighting. Queen Noor, married to a king, was welcomed at Wellesley, but Barbara Bush, married to a president, brought so many protests from the graduating broads that administrators had to add a real woman, Raisa Gorbachev, married to Mikhail, to share the platform. Mrs. Bush zinged them with a better speech, "Somewhere out in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow in my footsteps, and preside over the White House as the president's spouse. I wish him well!"
Hillary spoke at Wellesley in 1969 as a graduate and again in 1992 when she was running for president. No one understands the 1969 speech, to wit, "But there are some things we feel, feelings that our prevailing, acquisitive, and competitive corporate life, including tragically the universities, is not the way of life for us. We're searching for more immediate, ecstatic and penetrating mode of living." Fellow beatniks, snap those fingers!
Commencements bring out the worst in more than just the speakers. Students and faculty live to boycott graduation speakers. This year's victims were Clarence Thomas and Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., who had 100 students walk out of his St. Joseph's University's commencement address. Santorum favors upholding laws against sodomy. Those in the academy favor sodomy. The New York Times ran a photo of the students walking out but ran no photo of its war correspondent, Chris Hedges, enjoying booing, hissing and a pulled microphone during his incomprehensible and boring Rockford College commencement speech that called us "tyrants" and "piranha" or "pariah" (no one is sure) for going to war in Iraq.
Sect/cult graduations top the speakers. Graduating black seniors at Penn this year had a separate ceremony in which they received a kente cloth and an African libation ritual. The graduates called out the names of their elders as a poet/social worker (a new government grade in HUD?) poured water on plants. J.K. Rowling riled Christian fundamentalists when Harry Potter whipped up potions with plants and incantations.
Latino/Chicano graduation ceremonies abound. Isn't it Latino/Latina and Chicano/Chicana? Stanford has an Asian American graduation ceremony as well as one for American Indian, Alaska native and native Hawaiian graduates. No hang ten-ers allowed. Good thing we have affirmative action at universities. Minorities are admitted and then isolated, to water plants and chant.
UCLA's gay, bisexual and transgender graduates wear pink and black triangles to "convey the significance of their graduation as visible LGBT individuals." They march not to "Pomp and Circumstance," but rather to the Panther soundtrack. Stanford has LGBT, too.
Where's the Euro recognition? The French could exhibit their culture during the Anglo ceremonies by smoking and uttering sarcasm and invective about "American pig dogs." The Irish require nothing special. Our way of celebrating does not stand on ceremony.
The academy draws no lines between pop culture and intellectualism, stars and presidents, money and success, or right and wrong. But it balkanizes even as it treats us to some incredibly bad speeches. Is it any wonder the students rejoice in their departures?
Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Her e-mail address is mmjdiary@aol.com