In this era of crass commercialism, I supposed it's too much to ask that baseball keep its dollar-grubbing hands off the bases indefinitely. In fact, it's too much to expect any profit-driven sport to avoid the lure of corporate dollars.

They have to pay those salaries somehow.

So when I heard baseball planned to place advertisements for the upcoming Spiderman film on its bases, I thought why fight it? I should earn some money myself while opportunity knocks.

Hence, I am officially offering the back of my shirt as advertising space for the upcoming Jazz season.

From were I sit, I figure at least 8,000 people can read any message I'm willing to display. Interested advertisers may rent my shirt one game at a time, or opt for the five-game money-saver package. For an additional charge, I'll leave my seat on press row and parade in front of the bench during timeouts to provide additional exposure.

I'm hoping to hook up with Krispy Kreme as my anchor sponsor. But I'm saving room for Red Bull, McDonald's and Chevy Trucks, too. I'm thinking of renting out my shirt pocket to palm One, so I can illustrate how small and light their PDAs are. Clever, aren't I?

What got me thinking this direction was, of course, baseball's decision to gussy up its bases with pictures of Spiderman last week. Soon after the announcement, though, baseball reversed its decision — too much negativity public.

However, I doubt this is the end of the matter. Considering the way advertising and sports go hand in hand, this won't stop until they've sold every last inch of empty space in America, including that between Bud Selig's ears.

I predict baseball will eventually do what it always does — go for the money — and plaster product names on the bases, including home plate. Other sports will fare no better. I await the day when Phil Jackson walks out with an FTD florist ad on his suit jacket.

Don't be surprised if someday Derek Jeter approaches the plate with a bat painted like a bottle of Old Spice. When Kevin Garnett dunks, you may see the name of a soft drink imprinted on the soles of his shoes.

One day, all sports will look like NASCAR.

The baseball-movie convergence last week didn't surprise anyone. This has been coming for a long time. In the 1980s, I called a publicity person to ask about the Sun Bowl being renamed after an insurance company. When I mentioned commercialism vs. tradition, he insinuated I was naive, saying, "When you buy the church organ, you get to pick the music."

With that in mind, I thought I'd get the ball rolling on buying more church organs. For instance, they could put an ad for Nestle's Quick on locker room doors at the Delta Center. Who knows, maybe just seeing the word "Quick" each day will improve Sasha Pavlovich's foot speed.

Baseball, which already puts World Series logos on its ballcaps, could turn entire hats over to a sponsor. I wonder how the Braves would feel about wearing those Hot-Dog-on a-Stick hats.

Someday we may even see entire teams named after a company. Think of it: the Mutual of Omaha Reds vs. the Miller Light Brewers.

Baseball gloves are another untapped resource. Why not custom paint gloves to look like, say, a Volkswagen Beetle? College football players already wear stickers for achievements on their helmets. It's a short step into turning them into moving billboards with "Goodyear" on the side.

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Golf has been fairly low key in its advertising and marketing approach until now. I figure it's time to paint the greens with the logos of corporate sponsors, the way football paints its end zones. Football, in return, should make its end zones to look like a giant Snickers bar.

As long as we're talking about advertising opportunities, how about a 7-foot-2 non-jumping one? Greg Ostertag has great potential.

He could rent out his fake front tooth.


E-mail: rock@desnews.com

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