Dear Harlan: I have been having some problems with body dysmorphic disorder. It plagues my everyday life, and it makes it hard to live with myself and for others to live around me. Is there anything that I can do to help myself? I struggle daily with this problem, and it makes it hard to concentrate.
I have developed some not-so-healthy habits. I am afraid of developing an eating disorder, but I figure that's the only way to like myself. I really need help. —Scared and Dissatisfied
Dear Scared: A lot of people have this disorder but don't know what to call it. Thanks for giving it a name.
For those unfamiliar with body dysmorphic disorder, the Merck Manual of Medical Information defines it as "a preoccupation with a perceived defect in appearance (which) results in significant distress or impaired functioning." People with BDD tend to focus on a body part that is imperfect, when in reality, it's a perfectly normal part. BDD can be a minor distraction or, as you are aware, it can be completely debilitating. And that's why you need to get into regular therapy with a BDD specialist. Also check out the following BDD Web site, central.com, and keep these things in mind when you feel like you just aren't good enough to be loved:
Avoid certain reality shows: Turn off the reality shows that leave you wishing you were the one being nipped, tucked, suctioned, on a date, loved or made over. All they do is highlight what you don't have. It's not entertainment — it's self-destructive.
Be your own biggest supporter: When you start telling yourself negative thoughts, pull a note out of your pocket (or purse) that has your very best qualities listed for you. Read them to yourself over and over again. Focus on the good. Make it a habit.
Strive to be an imperfectionist: Embrace being imperfect (we all are), and you'll quickly become perfect. Strive to be your personal best, be thankful for ALL that you have, and surround yourself with people who share this way of thinking. It helps.
Appreciate the truth: Even the most beautiful, dynamic and desirable men and women aren't desired by everyone. It's impossible. You — or I — will not always be appreciated by everyone. And you can't please everyone in the world, so focus on pleasing yourself (the imperfectionist you), and the world will become a much happier, brighter and forgiving place.
Dear Harlan:I've been reading your articles for a while — do you ever get questions about your ears? —Reader in the South
Dear Reader: I do, about once a week. This isn't a question, but more a suggestion from a few weeks ago:
"Dear Harlan, I'm sorry, but your ears are very, very, very, very big. I think that you will fly. Please don't go out, and if you do, put on a helmet."
When I was a kid, I was overweight, so people would go for the fat jokes. As I thinned out, they moved higher up my body. Now, comments like these just go over my head. I know better. I've learned that the more uncomfortable the person, the more insulting and insensitive things that person will say. Ugly and uncomfortable people tend to make ugly comments. Beautiful and comfortable people don't. They don't feel threatened enough by the world to tear everyone else down. And these are the people I choose to surround myself with in my personal life.
Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614. © Harlan Cohen 2004. Dist. by King Features Syndicate Inc.