Adapted from "Discipline: The Brazelton Way." Reprinted by arrangement with Da Capo Press. All rights reserved.
"No I won't!" "You can't make me do it." "I'd like to see you try." All of these are commonly heard when a child is defying a parent.
Children often need to defy their parents — even when they know their defiance is wrong. Sometimes, this is a child's way of trying to feel powerful and independent. In other cases, a child may be defiant when he feels too powerful, when his own power frightens him. This is a child who is hungry for limits.
Defiance may serve as a test to see whether parents really mean what they say. Then, when the initial defiance creates increasing anger in parents, a child may try to use more defiance to fend off her parents.
Defiance is difficult for parents to deal with. They may overreact for a number of reasons:
— The defiance makes them feel not only angry but confused.
— Their frustration with the behavior may have been building for a while.
— The defiance makes them question their own role: "Was I right to make this demand?"
— The defiance can force parents to take a win-or-lose position, which is unnerving and risky.
— They may be thinking ahead, picturing their child as a defiant adolescent, when their win-or-lose position may really matter.
— When parents can understand their reactions, and overreactions, and get themselves under control, they will be more able to assess their own position, and their child's, and respond effectively.
For a parent, the first step is to re-evaluate your demand: Is it really that important? Then re-evaluate the child's defiance: How outrageous is it? Is there any important message in the child's refusal that needs to be understood and respected?
If you decide that your demand wasn't important enough to enforce, retire gracefully and gather the benefits for a more important demand. Say something such as: "I like your spirit. When you question me, it makes me wonder, 'Is it worth it?' This time I think you're right. It's not that important. But when it is, I will expect you to live up to my request."
If your demand is important enough to stick to, try to stay calm but firm. Get your child's attention. Look her in the eyes. Gently put a hand on her shoulder if you need to.
Repeat the demand, and let her know that this is not something she has a choice about. She will need to do what you ask even though you understand she does not want to. Staying calm is important so that you and she can both focus on what she needs to do. Sometimes anger can be a distraction, taking on a life of its own.
Let the child know what the consequences will be. Start with one reminder about whatever reward there might be for doing what she has been told to do. Pick a reward that is reasonable and closely related to the task you are asking her to do: "When you've finished cleaning your room, then we can hang up the new picture."
Rewards usually work better than punishments. But as soon as she has understood your offer, it's time to stop the discussion.
If she does not respond to a reward right away, it is time to let her know what the negative consequences of her behavior will be. Choose a consequence that is reasonable, closely related to the task she's been asked to do, and simple to enforce: "If you don't start cleaning your room right away, I'll have to pick your things up off the floor and lock them in my closet until you are ready to put them away."
The most important thing about a consequence, positive or negative, is to carry it out — immediately. Let your child know: "I have told you to clean your room once. I have told you what will happen if you do and if you don't. I am now telling you for the last time that you need to clean your room. If you don't start now, then I'll have to do exactly what I said I'd do."
If she still refuses, you must proceed with the negative consequence without hesitation. At this point, do not respond to any more pleas or negotiations. Say: "It's too late now. You had your chance. Maybe you'll be able to remember that I mean what I say the next time we have a discussion like this."
It's helpful to some children to know in advance what your pattern is. Soon they will know that whenever they refuse to do what you ask of them, they will have one warning, one reminder, and then the consequence.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families@nytimes.com Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.