I was watching an absolutely enthralling piece on Olympic badminton, the other night, when it occurred to me: WHY AM I DOING THIS?
Because I feel guilty if I don't? Because I'm bored? Because I don't want to watch another "Back to the Future" rerun on the another channel? Because I couldn't find the remote? Because Bob Costas told me to watch?
A guy on the American team was saying, "We want to change America's image of backyard badminton."
Does he mean we're supposed to start taking sports like badminton seriously? What's next, sailing?
You're kidding. That, too?
I'm urging the IOC to stop the madness. Please, no more obscure specialty sports. No more canoeing/kayaking, no more equestrian, no more fencing, field hockey, handball, judo, shooting, table tennis, handball, taekwondo or water polo.
And definitely no more synchronized swimming.
Is it too much to ask that they limit the Olympics to actual mainstream sports?
Admitting badminton to the Games is like admitting whiffle ball or red rover. It's something you do on a picnic between helpings of potato salad.
Now that badminton is in, why not just allow Frisbee golf and paintball, too?
It's time to lay down some guidelines. Instead of just letting in sports willy-nilly, they should establish a minimum athletic standard. That would eliminate equestrian right out of the gates.
Here are some suggested minimum requirements for being included in the Summer Games:
1. The sport must be winnable by Americans. (I know. If things keep going the way they have been, that means basketball would be gone.) We nearly always spend more money, send more athletes and win more medals than anyone. Why fork over dollars to support an event like, say, weightlifting, that will eventually be claimed by a Bulgarian?
2. It must be a sport that a reasonable and prudent person would actually want to watch. That takes care of judo and taekwondo. If I want to see that stuff, I'll rent a Jackie Chan film.
3. It must be a sport that has at least a half-million participants. Otherwise, it's no different than stuffing six or eight crayons up your nose, then phoning the Guinness Book of World Records.
Adios, rhythmic gymnastics.
4. It must be an athletic endeavor, not a skill. See ya later, table tennis. Anything my brother does well can't be an Olympic sport. If skills were all it took, why not have cosmetic surgery or Nintendo competition?
5. An average sports fan must be able to name at least one former or current athlete in the sport. Au revoir, field hockey. Quick, can you name the best fencer in the world? I didn't think so. Neither can I.
6. It can't be a recreational endeavor. Kayaking, you're outta here. If recreation events qualify for the Olympics, sign me up for backyard barbecuing, tetherball, bass fishing and lawn croquet.
7. It can't involve formations. That would keep out marching bands, drill teams, the Blue Angels, and best of all, it would finally get rid of synchronized swimming.
8. Is this too much to ask? The athlete must be breathing hard when it's over. I hate to admit this, because it's an ancient art — but there goes archery. Sacrifices must be made.
9. An Olympic slogan is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which translated means "Moe, Curly, Larry." Sorry. I got mixed up. It actually means "faster, higher, stronger." What shooting competition has to do with that, I don't know.
10. Here's the second of a double-whammy for equestrian: It can't involve an animal. Not even Costas can interview a horse. Besides, do we really want to see cow-tipping become an Olympic sport?
E-mail: rock@desnews.com