Mister know-it-all is back in the studio, ready to take your sports questions. What's on your mind, if you'll pardon the overstatement. The lines are open.
CALLER: I want to be a coach or maybe a TV analyst someday. Any advice?
MR. K: Memorize this phrase: "It is what it is." It is what all the sports types are saying these days, nudging ahead of "I'll tell you what . . . " and "Definitely."
CALLER: Can you give me an example?
MR. K: Definitely. When Bill Belichick is asked about the changes on his coaching staff, he says, "It is what it is." Belichick and Carolina's John Fox are famous for saying "It is what it is." Translation: Don't worry, be happy; c'est la vie. It's the perfect answer for a coach who wants to say something without saying anything.
Chris Webber managed to put a creative twist on the phrase recently when he said, "It's going to be what it is, whatever it is." Whatever that means.
CALLER: Any other tips?
MR. K: Learn to use these terms and you can hold your own cliche festival: "Execute." "That's what it's all about." "Git-go." "Focus." Now let's use some of them in a sentence: "I'll tell you what, our team needs to focus from the git-go; otherwise, the team picture will be blurry."
CALLER: Do you think BYU's football team can compete with the top teams in the nation now?
MR. K: According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, BYU's football team ranks third in the nation — in intelligence. The newspaper listed the top 39 teams based on their average scores on the Wonderlic, a standardized intelligence test that is given to college players at the NFL combine.
Stanford was first, followed, in order, by Purdue, BYU, Cal and UCLA, Oregon, Wisconsin, Iowa, Oregon State, Nebraska. No other local team made the list. It is what it is. What does it mean? If BYU and Utah agree to meet in the math lab this weekend, BYU will be favored by a full grade point.
CALLER: Won-der-lic?
MR. K: Great name for a dog or a rock group, don't you think?
CALLER: Terrell Owens ripped Jeff Garcia when he played for San Francisco and now Donovan McNabb in Philadelphia. What is a quarterback supposed to do?
MR. K: There are two choices: 1) Throw the ball to him on every down and make him happy; 2) Don't throw to him at all until he shuts his big yapper and really tick him off. When asked by Jim Rome what he would do if Owens were his teammate, Joe Montana said, "When the guy is wide open, you kind of give him a nod and throw to somebody else."
CALLER: Mike Tyson shoves a cameraman and Tonya Harding beats up another hapless boyfriend. Will they never learn?
MR. K: It is what it is. Tyson is 39 and Harding 35, so at this point we're forced to conclude that if they still haven't learned to play nice with other children, it's just not going to happen.
CALLER: Will anyone else sign Owens?
MR. K: Ironically, after all of Owens' griping about getting a new long-term contract to replace his one-year-old $50 million, seven-year deal, he stands a good chance of never getting more than a series of one-year contracts. Who wants to risk giving a long-term deal to a nutbag? He's a team cancer. Several teams have already said they have no interest in signing T.O. Michael Vick said he would welcome T.O., but added that Owens would have to understand one thing: "This is my team," said Vick. This will be news to Falcons owner Arthur Blank.
CALLER: Do I need a degree to be a sports journalist?
MR. K: No, you need a celebrity wife. Nick Lachey, who seems to turn up everywhere, like the flu, only worse, has been hired by ESPN to do on-air work for its college football coverage. No one can remember exactly why Lachey is famous except that he married Jessica Simpson. One ESPN exec said, "Nick is a huge fan and will add unique perspective to the show." As we all know, the view of a fan is a rare and unique perspective. It is what it is.
E-mail: drob@desnews.com