Tuesday the new NBA season began. After 82 regular season games followed by four best-of-seven playoff rounds, the season will end in 2010, give or take a year.
All right. That's a bit of an exaggeration. Still, the NBA season is far too long — especially for teams like last year's Utah Jazz who had, after the All-Star break, about as much chance of making the playoffs as Rocky Anderson has of becoming the next editor of the Deseret Morning News.
Still, for now, all 30 teams are optimistic they made just the right offseason changes that will — cliche' alert — "take them to the next level."
Whatever.
The fact of the matter is, the Spurs will beat the Heat in the Finals. You heard it here first.
Well, actually, you heard it here right now as you're reading this. You heard it first, most likely, somewhere else — because almost everybody is picking the Spurs to repeat and the Heat to be the first runner-up. (If for any reason the Spurs are unable to fulfill their role as NBA champs, the Heat will step in to wear the crown. It's sort of like the Miss America pageant in that way, only without all the fake smiles and congratulations from the losers).
There are eight months (count 'em, eight months, the playoffs run through June) of NBA basketball ahead of us. Without further ado, here are 10 questions and answers about the new season.
Why 10 questions and answers? Well, because there's not enough room for 20 on this page.
Oh, and the so-called "answers" are really just educated guesses. Well, not so much educated, but they are guesses.
1) Question: What team will win the NBA title?
Answer: Are you just trying to tick me off? That question was already answered in the lead-in. No fair jumping right to the questions without reading the lead-in.
I will give you a hint, however. It's the team from Texas that isn't located in Houston or Dallas. And it rhymes with "The Ban Dantonio Burrs." (Which, as Dave Barry might point out, would be a good name for a rock band).
2) Question: Who will win the MVP Award?
Answer: That's a bit tougher. One person it won't be is the height-challenged, mop-topped hoser from Canada who won it last year with the Phoenix Suns, eh?
Steve Nash already has his award. The easy choices would Shaquille O'Neal, Tim Duncan or even Kobe Bryant.
But just to be different, let's say Dirk Nowitzki of the Mavs.
3) Question: What about Rookie of the Year?
Answer: That was a pretty lame baseball movie made in 1993 and directed by comedic actor Daniel Stern — no relation to NBA commish David Stern — about a kid who somehow gets an incredible arm and pitches for the Chicago Cubs. Incidentally, the kid/pitcher grew up to be one of the stars in the much-maligned-by-critics/loved-by-audiences "America Pie" trilogy. He hasn't been heard from since, although there are rumors he's doing "Oklahoma" at a dinner theater in the Midwest.
4) Question:Not that Rookie of the Year. Who will win the NBA's award for first-year players?
Answer: Sorry about that. After Wednesday's opener, many Jazz fans are convinced it will be Deron Williams. Then again, Ute fans feel No. 1 overall pick Andrew Bogut of the Milwaukee Bucks will take the hardware down under to the land of crocs and koalas.
Wrong on both counts. Look for Chris Paul of the Oklahoma City/Baton Rouge Hornets — formerly New Orleans — to put up big numbers and to earn the award.
5) Question: Can Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson coexist?
Answer: Absolutely. They are professionals. They will put their differences aside and try to get along. They've done it before and won three NBA rings together.
6) Question: Does that mean the Lakers are back to being contenders?
Answer: Absolutely not. Put it this way, Vanessa Bryant has a better chance of getting another "please forgive my adultery" ring this season than Kobe Bryant has of getting another NBA title ring. Jackson can coach — but he's always had outstanding players. Kobe may be the best player in the league, but he needs more talent around him.
7) Question: Will Ron Artest act like a professional this season?
Answer: Let's hope not. Unless you are one of the fans in Detroit who got punched in the face or an Indiana fan who saw the team's title hopes disappear last season, the Pacer star's blowups and general lack of self control have been pretty entertaining. In reality, though, look for Artest to be on his best behavior. He knows league commissioner Stern (that would be David, not Daniel) is watching closely. It's very doubtful he'll go after fans in the stands or ask for time off so he can promote a hip-hop CD this year.
Don't worry, though. Some other head case will step up to fill the void, just wait.
8) Question: Will the Utah Jazz make the playoffs?
Answer: Yes.*
9) Question: What former Jazz player will have the biggest impact on a different NBA team?
Answer: It's tempting to say Ben Handlogten, now with the Nets.
Just kidding.
The real answer has to be Raja Bell, who will get plenty of open jumpers with the run-and-gun Phoenix Suns. Plus, he'll have that mop-headed Canadian getting him the ball. And — while this isn't normally done by the Suns — he'll play some defense, too.
10) Question: What will be the surprise team of the NBA this year?
Answer: Good question. It could actually be the Jazz.*
But, as to not praise the hometown team too much, we'll go with the Golden State Warriors. They haven't been to the playoffs in 11 years. With Baron Davis, Jason Richardson, Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy around, that unimpressive streak could end.
*As long as all the Jazz players are healthy and Deron Williams plays like an all-star.
E-mail: lojo@desnews.com