Pamela Hansen took it one step at a time — literally. Like the old adage that says the longest journey begins with a single step, she forced herself to take that first step. And then another.
Morbidly obese, still recovering from the stillbirth of a son a few weeks earlier, with ever-present thoughts of the death of another daughter and the cruel, debilitating autoimmune diseases that had attacked two other children, Pam Hansen finally made herself take a walk.
The first time, she took only a few steps before turning around and going home. The same thing happened a week later. But on the third try, a beautiful April morning in 2001, "I was determined to go just a little farther."
She began her trek around the path of a nearby park. "I got halfway around and started screaming inside. No! I don't want to do this! I just want to be pregnant! I want my baby! I hate this stinkin' fresh air and I hate walking, and I'm going home! With tears pouring down my face, I turned to go home. But after a few steps I realized it was the same distance to continue around the half-mile circle as it would be to go back. I stopped, and with great effort, turned myself around. With each labored stride, I concentrated on taking just one step at a time."
Putting one foot in front of the other, she completed the circle, and for the first time in longer than she could remember, she had something to feel good about.
Hansen had taken her first step on a journey that not only helped her lose weight, that not only helped the Orem woman train for and run a marathon, but that also helped her find peace.
She details that trip in a book called "Running with Angels" (Shadow Mountain, $14.95). As she began walking and then running, "I started recording my feelings. To come home and put them on paper was a kind of therapy. It felt good to let them out."
She did not plan to write a book. But, she says, "I realized this is the kind of book I would have loved to read while I was struggling to lose weight. I'm just an ordinary person, but what I went through might help someone else."
It's a little scary, she says. "I've always been a private person. And now there's a lot of me out there. But I felt like it was a story that needed to be written."
The story began 16 years ago, when Pam and Mark Hansen realized they were having twins. With a 2-year-old boy already, they were thrilled to learn they were having two girls. Then during an ultrasound examination, doctors discovered that one of the twins, by now named Emily, had a condition that was "incompatible with life," hypoplastic left heart syndrome, where the left side of the heart did not function. While in the womb, the baby was sustained by the mother's blood, but after birth, the baby's own heart could not take over.
The twins were born Feb. 3, 1989. Amy was a joyful addition to the family, but Emily left a big hole when she died the next day. The only thing that seemed to fill the void for Hansen was food.
"I was an emotional eater," she says. "I used food to cope. I liked to eat, and I found that eating my favorite foods helped a bit."
The family moved from Utah to Michigan, and she found that food also helped combat loneliness. By 1990, Hansen had gained 30 pounds.
Over the next 10 years, three more additions joined the family. But only one, Stephen, did not have health problems. In 1994, Sarah was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. Hansen had gained another 30 pounds.
In 1999, Hillary was diagnosed with Ollier's disease/Maffucci's syndrome, a condition in which benign tumors grow along with the bones. By then Hansen had gained another 40 pounds.
So, by the time Eric was stillborn in April 2001, "I was horrified to realize I weighed 100 pounds more than when I got married. That is a small, but entire person."
And that was not all. She was also fighting sadness and depression at the loss of two children and the illnesses of the other two. She found she was spending all her time on the family, and none on herself. Her self-esteem was also taking a terrible beating.
There is pain and humiliation in being that much overweight, she discovered. In grocery lines, people would look with disgust at the goodies in her cart. Hurtful comments, sometimes intentional, sometimes not, caused her to grimace. Whenever she heard strangers laughing, she assumed they were laughing at her.
"I loathed looking at myself in the mirror. I was not making the connection that my body was just responding to my actions. For years, I felt as if my heart and mind worked together, but my body seemed to be working against everything I really wanted or knew to be true."
That's when she started walking. Those first few walks soon turned into 45- to 50-minute outings. By July 2001, she had lost 40 pounds, and she began to think maybe she could realize a lifelong dream. Maybe she could run a marathon. Hansen was no longer running from her problems but toward a new goal.
Her dream came true the next summer when she not only ran in, but finished, the Deseret News 24th of July marathon.
Some three years later, she is still running. The weight has stayed off. She realizes it will be a constant struggle to keep it off. "I still like to eat. But I've also made exercise a part of my life."
It wasn't until she realized that change is a lifelong decision that she really began to make progress. "It is a lifestyle change, more than a fleeting action. When that hits home, you realize that you will have setbacks, but you can get right back on. It's doable."
She has also learned to move herself up on the priority list. "I still say my family comes first. But as women, we need to take time for ourselves. We need to rejuvenate our spirits emotionally as well as physically. I spent years not doing that. I realized I had not only lost my children, I had lost myself."
When she moved herself up, she was sure her family would fall apart. "But they didn't. The kids have had to step up. And sometimes it's been difficult. But it is so worth it. The family has not fallen apart. It's actually much better."
Now, in spite of the hardships she's had to deal with, "I realize there are too many wonderful things about life that I shouldn't lose sight of. It has so much to offer."
So many times, she says, she felt powerless. "I felt hopeless. There were too many things I couldn't control. Now, I've learned to say, 'OK, there are things I can control. There are things I can overcome. I can get through this.' And if I can do it, maybe someone else can, too. You don't have to be rich and famous to have your dreams come true."
Motivation for change
These techniques helped Pamela Hansen with her struggle to lose weight and find inner strength and peace:
1. Seeking and expressing gratitude for divine and earthly help.
2. Rejuvenating herself physically and mentally.
3. Having a plan and holding herself accountable.
4. Rearranging her priorities.
5. Replacing bad habits with good ones.
6. Recording measurements and feelings.
7. Staying motivated by trying on clothes in smaller sizes.
8. Listening to inspiring music.
9. Making a dream/nightmare photo book.
10. Learning from life's lessons.
E-mail: carma@desnews.com