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Dear Abby: Don't judge your terminally ill father's decision

Dear Abby: A few years ago, my dad was diagnosed with a fatal degenerative disease. My parents moved down South because the warmer climate helps Dad's condition. Mom takes care of him, and every second of the day she's very stressed.

My siblings and I live in the Northeast and don't get to see them as often as we'd like.

A year before Dad got sick, my parents seemed to go through a positive midlife crisis. They lost weight, found new friends, partied every night. They rarely saw us or talked with us because they were busy. They seemed to be enjoying the next stage of their life together. If I complained, they said they were "having a life now" because raising kids had taken all their time.

My brother recently confided to me my parents were sowing their wild oats then because Dad knew he was getting sick. He knew he was on borrowed time and he'd have to sell his business and give up driving. He told no one but Mother.

I am extremely upset with my parents. While they were going out every night, we could have shared some time with him before it was too late. Although I cry every time I see Dad, I feel I maybe don't have as much sympathy as I should. Knowing he kept a secret like that has altered our relationship. When Mom calls and complains that she has no life and has to do everything by herself, I want to say she did it to herself. My siblings and I are not selfish. We would have done everything for our father.

Please tell me if I'm being overly emotional. Didn't I have the right to know? Am I entitled to be angry, or should I let it go?—Confused Daughter in Philly

Dear Confused: No one — and I mean no one — knows how he or she will react to the kind of diagnosis your father received. He and your mother chose to cram as much "celebration" as they could into the good time he had left. I can't judge his decision, and for your own sake, neither should you.

Yes, it might have been better had you been told. But you would have naturally become upset, and your dad wanted gaiety and no reminders of what was coming. That was his choice, and he shouldn't be punished for it.

Consider this: The "good time" is the time your father has left. Please don't waste another second of it dwelling on something that can't be changed.

Dear Abby: I'm not sure how to handle this. My across-the-street neighbor, "Joe," watches adult-rated movies at least twice a week. He turns the volume up so loud I can hear the moans and suggestive dialogue well into the wee hours of the morning. (Last night it went on until about 2:30 a.m.) The family who lives next door to Joe has two daughters, 12 and 14 years old. I'm not sure if they can hear those movies as I do, but our houses are all on very small lots. It's disturbing to think that they do.

The last thing I want to do is knock on Joe's door mid-movie, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm not sure what the other neighbors think — it's too embarrassing to mention. Please tell me what to do.—Embarrassed in Connecticut

Dear Embarrassed: Write your neighbor a polite letter: "Perhaps you are not aware that the sound of your late-night entertainment travels across

the street. Because minor children live so close by, won't you please close your windows and/or turn the volume down? Thank you, Your neighbor."

If that doesn't do the trick, notify the police and let them handle the matter, because your neighbor is "disturbing the peace" — yours.


Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. © Universal Press Syndicate