A few decades ago, researchers hardly thought much about fathers. "I had a friend who wrote a book in the '70s on 'Fathers: The Forgotten Parent,' " said Randal Day, a family life professor at Brigham Young University.
Since then, said Day, "we've come to realize fathers aren't just the other parent. They play a pivotal role."
If, for example, you were working with a young girl who was suffering from an eating disorder or other abnormality, "the first question you would ask is, 'What is her relationship with her father?' That's a primary issue," he said.
Fathers have an important role. "They protect. They provide love and attention. They teach and regulate."
Day has been researching the role and impact of fathers since 1977, and through his own research as well as "study after study," has learned a lot about fathers and, in particular, how various parenting style impact the family. For example:
Fathers who use control, domination and force don't see the positive outcomes they want.
Fathers who are generous, kind and loving are much more likely to have long-term relationships with their children after those children leave home.
Fathers who invest in family life rather than their own interests are more likely to have family members meet the goals set for them.
In a class that he teaches on family ideology, Day has students come up with family mottoes and make family flags that represent them. These activities, and the accompanying written accounts, also reveal a lot about what fathers can do to be more effective:
Being a loving and caring person is more important than anything else.
Fathers are more effective when they show active leadership.
Fathers can sometimes be too harsh and intrusive.
It's OK not to be perfect.
Being a good provider isn't always about money and things.
Laughter and fun are essential, not just nice.
Bottom line, said Day, "the key word is intentional. Fathers who are more strategic and less reactionary are better fathers. It is critical that fathers be intentional, that they be daily caretakers that invest emotion and time and energy in family life. Shortcuts — such as, 'Do as I say or pay the price' — are very ineffective." Fathers, he said, must also have a true partnership with their spouses.
These things are critical, he added, "because we leave indelible images on the souls of our children. Make sure the flag your children carry with them into their own family is a wonderful one."