What do you want in your marriage? For most people, it's to feel loved, valued, safe and trusted, said John M.R. Covey, who is director of marriage and family for Franklin Covey, and who with his wife, Jane, has given seminars on marriage around the world.
How do you achieve that goal? Three things can help, he said: character, communication and companionship.
Covey likes to start with the "myth of the marriage box" developed by J. Allan Peterson, who noted that "most people get married believing a myth — that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in it before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into marriage."
You have to learn, "not to take, but to give, give, give," said Covey. That's where character comes in. And character comes from learning the consequences of your actions, from learning what you can and can't control.
What can you control in life? Only yourself — your attitudes, your actions, your desires, he said. What's can't you control? Anyone else, the weather, your parents, where you were born.
If you try to live in the circle of no control, you end up unhappy, chaotic, unempowered, feeling like a victim, he said. If you live in the circle of control, you live with hope and happiness.
What makes the difference? "Reactive behavior takes you out of the circle of control. Proactive behavior — where you pause, think and choose before you act — gives you control. Inside that pause between action and response — that is who you are."
The second C of marriage is communication, said Jane Parrish Covey. The most important thing to remember, she says, "is that the way we speak to each other does matter. Words hurt. Word crush. Or words lift and build."
So, she advises, "look for strengths. Talk about strengths. Dwell on strengths instead of weaknesses. Too often in families we dwell on weaknesses."
Dwelling on strengths helps develop unity and companionship. So does making emotional deposits in your marriage box. Sometimes, she said, that can be as simple as "saying the words 'I love you' to the people that you love."