PASADENA, Calif. — If Robert Halmi Sr. could deliver on his promises, he'd be the greatest TV producer in the history of the medium.
He can't and he's not. And he's inflicting yet another laughably bad biblical epic upon viewers with a two-part, four-hour remake of "The Ten Commandments" (tonight and Tuesday, 8 p.m., ABC/Ch. 4).
At least it's not as bad as his last biblical epic — there are no pirates (like there were in his 1999 travesty "Noah's Ark").
There has to be a really good reason to remake a movie like Cecil B. DeMille's 1956 version of "The Ten Commandments." You have to be able to do at least something better than the original.
"When I very first saw DeMille's 'Ten Commandments' many years ago . . . one thing that stuck in my mind that I would like to have a chance at is parting the Red Sea again," said Halmi — who seemed as anxious to actually perform the miracle himself as to portray Moses' miracle. "So what we did is a combination of real water, CGI (computer-generated imagery) water, going under and filming huge waterfalls. . . . and that alone cost $500,000. So it's a different ballgame today to do this. And once you do it, you have to do it perfectly."
Perfectly? Perfectly?!?
There's nothing about Halmi's version that's better than DeMille's. Nothing. Not even the special effects, which — despite Halmi's assertions — look amateurish and cheesy.
And that $500,000 might have been better spent on putting together a decent script. These four hours lumber along unwatchably. Unless, of course, you're looking for a cure for insomnia.
Dougray Scott ("Heist") stars as Moses, the man who would lead his people out of captivity in Egypt to the promised land. He's either in torment or more wooden than his staff. And, while you'll recognize a couple of members of the cast — Omar Sharif, Naveen Andrews ("Lost") — it's mostly new faces dragged into this biblical quagmire.
Like the 1956 version, this "Ten Commandments" recounts the tale of Moses — his birth, his adoption by an Egyptian princess, his struggle with pharaoh, leading the Jews into the wilderness, receiving the Ten Commandments, dealing with his wayward people. But even if you're completely unfamiliar with the tale, it will seem dull and plodding.
Whatever failings DeMille's version had, it was a spectacle. Halmi's version tries to look like one, but it's nearly impossible to believe he spent upward of $30 million on it. It looks like a cheap knockoff.
"It needs to be redone every 35, 40 years," Halmi insisted. "There's a new generation who needs to know this. And you have to talk to this new generation."
The only thing this new "Ten Commandments" says to the new generation is — "Go back to watching MTV!"
Or, at the very least, go back and watch the 1956 version.
E-mail: pierce@desnews.com