My friend and I skipped school one day, and we met a guy while we were hanging out. I kissed him, and my friend got mad and left. I'd met this kid before, and she just met him that day, and she has been mad at me for almost a week. What should I do? —Rachel, 15, San Diego
What concerns me more than your friendship is that you skipped school and hooked up with some guy you barely knew. I'm not judging you — I'm just stating a fact: The life you have in the future will be determined by all the mini decisions you make along the way, including now.
Make every choice as if you are writing the story of your life — a story you would love to have published because you're so proud of everything in it. That way, you won't be one of those adults who is unhappy with her life, wishing she could turn back the clock to do things differently as a teen.
But back to your question. Here is an unwritten etiquette rule: When you're out with a friend and the two of you meet a guy, getting to know him is sort of a fun thing for the two of you to engage in together. By hooking up with him, you made your friend feel embarrassed and left out. It doesn't matter that you'd met him before. She felt like an idiot just standing there, and as her friend you should care how you made her feel.
Don't discredit her feelings by intellectualizing why she shouldn't be angry. Taking that position is not going to persuade her to open up to you so you two can talk this through. Apologize for making her feel bad. If you genuinely have zero idea why she's upset, ask her — but not in an annoyed, eye-rolling sort of way, because that will just add fuel to the fire and stall the reconciliation.
Let something good — like a better understanding of each other — be the outcome of this fight. Just a rule for the future: Good friends are considerate of each other's feelings in the moment — not just after they've hurt one another. If you continue to make selfish decisions, she might not want to keep being your friend.
Is it normal for me to think it would be better for my family — and me — if I were dead? —Ashley, 16, Bay City, Mich.
Your letter made me feel so sad — I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Everyone feels miserable once in a while, and if you felt this way for a minute, sent me a letter and then never felt that way again, that would be one thing.
But if you feel this way with any kind of consistency, that's a sign of a larger issue, and you need to talk to someone about it.
Start at home: You might be surprised by how understanding your mom might be if you bring this up with her (try your dad if you're closer to him). But if that won't work, check in with your guidance counselor or contact the Michigan Psychological Association at 1-800-270-9070 or www.michpsych.org for a referral to a counselor.
I would hate for you to make any major decisions while you are in this state — and I know you've got a lot of wonderful things ahead for you, Ashley. Please know that I am thinking about you, and P.S.: Your family needs you too.
Questions may be sent directly to Atoosa Rubenstein at: dearseventeen@hearst.com. Atoosa Rubenstein, the founding editor of CosmoGirl! magazine, is the editor in chief of Seventeen magazine. © Hearst Communications, Inc. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.