PROVO, Utah — As individuals walk down the path of parenting, they will come to see that by "small and simple things" — such as giving a child agency, holding family home evening, and loving a spouse — great things can come to pass, said Merrill C. and Josephine Ann Oaks.
Offering keynote addresses at BYU's Family Expo April 1-2, Elder Oaks, a former member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, and his wife, a homemaker, spoke about raising their nine children.
"As we attend such functions as this, we are seeking for helps in wrestling with the problems our children and grandchildren face today," said Elder Oaks.
Sponsored by the BYU School of Family Life, Religious Education, the Alumni Association, and the Division of Continuing Education, the conference focused on the theme found in Alma 37:6: "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." The theme reflected the conference's purpose of strengthening families and teaching parents how to raise a righteous posterity, said organizers.
Speakers during the two-day event discussed topics such as the overextended family, the second-mile family, the blessings of obedience, family service, grandparenting, the dangers of overzealousness, humor in the home and how to teach and show kindness in the home.
Elder Oaks told participants that they should apply the things they learn to their families with pondering and prayer. "No two families are identical, but here is much knowledge which is useful," he said. "In the end we are working to touch hearts to bring about a desire to do that which is right."
He said the scriptures admonish parents to "teach, not to compel."
"Any experienced parent understands there is no exact recipe that guarantees every child will always do as the parent wishes," he said. "But in our desire to be certain that our children make no major errors we can be tempted to use methods which violate the principle of agency. There is a fine line between effective parenting and unrighteous coercion. When that line is crossed, the child may stubbornly rebel to demonstrate that he still has his agency."
As children grow, he continued, it is essential that they learn and internalize the gospel so they have their own testimony. "The challenge is to give children increasing latitude as they mature and demonstrate they are trustworthy so that they are prepared to be responsible adults."
Parents should use methods that are consistent with the "gospel of love," he said. "Will children always do everything correctly if taught properly by their parents? That would be quite unusual!"
Elder Oaks spoke of a time as child when he and his older brother, Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve, wanted to participate in an activity on Sunday "which was not in the standards that our mother had taught us."
Finally their mother allowed them to go, but not with her blessing. They had "an absolutely miserable" time. "Neither of us have been seriously tempted to break the Sabbath since that experience," he said.
Speaking of other small and simple things, Elder Oaks said the family home evening program is a wonderful gift that the Church leaders have given to parents in the Church. "It is encouragement to do a more effective job of teaching our children and to formalize a time to do it," he declared.
He said he found as he moved aside any Monday night conflicts with his schedule, his children made the choice to not be absent from family home evening.
Another small and simple thing is for a husband to love his wife, Elder Oaks said. "It seemed a small and simple thing to fall in love and marry my wife on return from my mission, but after 47 years of marriage and many small and a few large decisions, we find ourselves parents of nine children and grandparents to 36 grandchildren. All that is dear to us came step by step in seemingly small and simple ways as we moved forward with our lives."
In marriage, he said, the issue of agency is always present. He told of a man who commanded his wife to go to Church. She refused until he simply invited her to attend with him. Another man he knew allowed his wife "no space, no opinion, no ability to talk or be involved." The forceful characteristics destroyed their marriage.
He added that a sometimes destructive behavior for a wife is to be constantly reminding her husband of everything that he must do to be righteous. "Problems arise when a good thing is carried to an extreme," he said.
Agency, he noted, "is a fundamental ground rule of this life."
Sister Oaks said as a parent she operated on the principle of freedom with limits. "The children had latitude to live within certain safe parameters and limits to keep them within those areas."
She said the family tried to teach children that consequences follow their actions. "There are natural consequences and logical consequences. Well, there is no natural consequence for keeping your room a mess except that you can't find anything. Therefore, it is up to the parent to think up logical consequences."
Parents also need to help children feel satisfaction with their work, she said.
"Learn all you can about parenting skills, enjoy your kids, have fun with them, give them freedom with limits that are meaningful and help them grow, teach them to work and help them to see the consequence of their actions and make sure they know you believe in them," she concluded. "As we walk down the path of life we will see that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass in the lives of our children."
E-mail to: sarah@desnews.com