Dear Harlan: I am 25 years old. My ex-girlfriend is 21, and we have a child together. One day she left and said I didn't love her because we didn't cuddle enough. She said she needs this to feel loved.

We had been together for almost four years. She didn't have to work — I paid all the bills and took care of all the housework. Now she says she doesn't want to try to work things out because she doesn't love me anymore.

Did I do something wrong here, or does she have some growing up to do? — Out of Love

Dear Out of Love: You can take a course in cuddling, become a cuddlemaster, write a cuddling book and open up a cuddling clinic. And after all of that, she'll just say that you cuddle too much or care too much about cuddling (which would be true).

The point is that there will always be a reason to break up. Because when you're 21 and have been with someone since the age of 17, you're not really sure what you want, and when you're not sure what you want, any excuse is good enough to give up.

Give her time and space to grow up.

Dear Harlan: This past weekend, I found out that my best friend and roommate has cheated on her boyfriend multiple times, usually while intoxicated. Her boyfriend also found out and ended their relationship. She moped around, called him incessantly and eventually showed up at his apartment, resulting in them getting back together a mere five days later. My concern is that she feels little remorse for her actions.

She told me that she doesn't think her cheating was a big deal because she "was just drunk." That could possibly qualify as an excuse ONE time, but not four or five times.

What her boyfriend still DOESN'T know is that she spent several nights with his best friend. While it isn't my place to be angry, it literally makes me sick to my stomach to know that my best friend, whom I love and trust, not only cheated on her boyfriend (multiple times) but also lied to him. I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about her. If she doesn't feel remorse about her actions or want to be honest about her mistakes (even if the consequences might harm her), is she the kind of person I can truly be best friends with? Am I overreacting? — Weary Roommate

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Dear Weary Roommate: You're not overreacting. It would make me sick, too. And one day it will make her sick, but she's too sick right now to see it.

Forget the cheating, lying and moral issues. Instead, help her to focus on the underlying problem: She's putting herself in dangerous and unhealthy situations and hurting the people closest to her. She doesn't need to hear that sleeping with her boyfriend's best friend is wrong — she's not an idiot. She's in pain. And you're her friend who wants to help. How can you stop the pain? What would she do if you were her? Ask her. Avoid judging her, and do your best to reach out and help her. And if she refuses your help, make it clear that you won't lie or cover up for her. That's not who you are, and it's not who you'll become.


Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614. © Harlan Cohen 2006

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