Dear Jim Boylen:

Well, you're finally here. Welcome to Salt Lake, home of a torn-up downtown, the 2002 Winter Olympics and 2012 Democratic presidential nominee Rocky Anderson. Congratulations on being hired as the Ute basketball coach.

We residents think you'll like it here. You just have to adjust to some of our quirks. For instance, liberal Rocky notwithstanding, we have more Republicans per square foot than anywhere else on Earth. Most people around here think Rush Limbaugh was born in Riverton.

When you get your driver's license, they'll issue you a Republican Party registration card at the same time. You'll soon notice that for some reason a lot of people drive in the far right lane.

We understand you've been here a lot of times as an NBA assistant coach. Maybe you've even seen Park City, which is pretty much our answer to anyone who thinks this isn't a really hip place. Considering your new contract, you can probably even afford to live there. However, we'd suggest you get yourself a little apartment out by the airport. It's not the swankiest neighborhood, but it works nicely for recruiting trips — or in case you need to get out of town ahead of the lynch mob.

That's pretty much what happened to your predecessor. Everyone except Ray Giacoletti's wife and part of his team turned on him. Judging by the fan unrest all last season, you'd have thought he embezzled money from an orphanage. Not so. He did something worse — he forgot to teach his team to play defense.

Chris Hill, the Ute athletic director, probably filled you in on what we're expecting from you, but just to be sure, let us help. All you need to do is win 10 regular-season championships in 15 years and make a dozen NCAA tournament appearances. Oh, and avoid calling players vulgar names too often. That and a bad ticker are what helped run Rick Majerus into retirement three years ago.

As for what cost Giacoletti his job, that's pretty obvious: the school's worst record in 23 years.

We should probably be up-front with you on this: We Utahns aren't the world's most rabid basketball fans. We like to show up to games at the Huntsman Center, but only if we're guaranteed a win. You know, weather's cold, traffic's a problem and besides, we can always rent a video. So just plan on winning every game at home or we aren't coming.

Sorry to be so aggressive — we don't like confrontations — but you're going to need to have a Top 25 program, too. We insist.

We probably should tell you that we're a little jittery because, to be honest, we all know you were the third choice. Mike Montgomery cut things short before things got started and Larry Krystkowiak was collared by the Milwaukee Bucks. Last time the U. hired a coach, same thing happened — two or three other coaches turned the Utes down before Giacoletti became the guy.

That doesn't mean we're bummed out about you coming. We're just a little shell-shocked at how quickly the U.'s program went south. We hear you're a positive, motivated guy who's happy to be here. We knew Tubby Smith wasn't coming here. And we're not sure we wanted a guy getting chased out of his last job like Smith and Steve Alford, anyway. Utah is a place for coaches to make their names, not a place where name coaches come. Perhaps you've heard of Majerus and former football coach Urban Meyer. That could be you!

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There is something you should know about our basketball crowd.

The student section is pretty small most years. It's a commuter campus, so you're not going to see a lot of school spirit after 2 p.m. Most of them have gone home or maybe to their part-time jobs. You'll have to work around that.

Lastly, just remember that we think winning is a pretty big deal around here. Coming from Michigan State, you may think Utah is a "mid-major" program, but we beg to differ. We don't think winning an average of 25 games over 18 seasons is mid-major anything. So we'll be paying major attention. If things work out — post-season bids, conference titles, wins over BYU — you can stay as long as you like. If not, you'll want to catch that airport shuttle. Better yet, we'll drop you off at the city limits.


E-mail: rock@desnews.com

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