Listen up, Tim DeChristopher — if that's your real name. Here's your sentence for going all Ed Abbey on us Friday with those bogus bids at the BLM oil and gas lease auction.
You are hereby ordered to:
• Apologize to every one of the legitimate oil and gas developers whose day you disrupted.
• Likewise apologize to the BLM and the federal government for interfering with its legal business.
• And one other thing: Stop using gas and oil and any other products bequeathed to us humans by dinosaurs and other ancient creatures and plants.
It's your inheritance no longer, Tim. Cease and desist. Refrain and refuse.
You may not use fossil fuels to heat your home or power your car — or, for that matter, brush your teeth (petroleum makes the plastic in a toothbrush and is an ingredient in toothpaste).
The number of products now off limits to you is actually rather expansive. It includes trash bags, fishing rods, ballpoint pens, golf balls, life jackets, refrigerants, insect repellent, shoes, cameras, pillows, safety glass, cellular phones, eyeglasses, parachutes, fishing lures, shampoo, deodorant and about a hundred other items you might be familiar with.
I found a fairly comprehensive list you'll find helpful at a Web site called ANWR.org. It's published by a group lobbying to allow drilling leases in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. You'd hate those guys, too.
Oh, and tires. You can't use rubber tires.
You won't be a man without a country. You'll be a man without an oil country.
Life is going to get a whole lot simpler.
You're going to make vegans look gluttonous. The Amish will appear downright progressive.
But presumably this won't be much of a problem for you, because it's more than worth it so you can do your bit to save the land from being further destroyed by developers, civilizers, prospectors, oil men, coal miners and the like.
Your only problem is that you were born 300 years too late, long after the whole of what we now know as the United States of America could have been turned into a national park or a designated wilderness.
If you think Canyonlands and Arches are beautiful, you should have seen New York and Massachusetts back in the day.
West Virginia before coal mines was absolutely stunning.
And don't get us started on Texas before oil derricks.
Your new toned-down, back-to-the-basics existence will allow you to reflect on what's really important: a world where beast and man, thistle and timber, coexist peacefully.
It will show the rest of us what the true environmentalist movement is all about.
You will eliminate those sketchy situations your fellow activists run into when their lifestyle gets in the way of their ideology — like when Al Gore decries global warming while he's boarding a jet or when Robert Redford criticizes leases and development on federal lands from his ski resort that is situated on a leased federal forest.
Even members of the mythical Monkey Wrench Gang had their contradictions. What kind of transportation do you think they used to make their getaway after pouring sugar in the gas tanks of those bulldozers building Glen Canyon Dam?
But not you.
The government you've been taking to task for trying to develop America's natural resources in an attempt to avoid future $4-a-gallon gas prices and a dependence on oil from countries where terrorists live who openly declare that they want to destroy us will have to stand up and take notice.
You will be the example to us all.
Oil and gas? We don't need oil and gas. What were we thinking?
And when the price at the pump hits $5 a gallon, you'll yawn.
Big deal. Who needs it?
Lee Benson's column runs Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org