Dear Annie: Two years ago, my father-in-law, on his deathbed, made my husband promise to let Dad's 67-year-old wife live with us because she was scared to stay by herself. It has been two years of hell.
"Doris" does nothing but eat and sleep all day. She never contributes to the household finances, even though she is able. She expects us to maintain her house and car and won't consider selling either one, even though she doesn't drive or use the house. My husband and I cannot go anywhere by ourselves because as soon as he starts the car engine, Doris is in the front seat.
My husband feels terribly guilty even thinking about asking Doris to move into a retirement center. I am ready to leave him just so I can have a few moments of peace.
Making a child promise something like that on your deathbed is the most selfish act I can imagine. What can we do? —Packing My Bags in the South
Dear Packing: The promise was to let Doris live with you. You've done that for two years. Now it's time for her to live somewhere else. Check out the retirement homes in your area. Then you and your husband should tell Doris it's time for her to be more active and develop some friendships. Do whatever is necessary to ensure Doris finds a suitable place to live, and promise to visit her and occasionally pick her up for dinner. There are many ways to take care of a parent (or stepparent), and ruining your marriage should not be part of the package.
Dear Annie: When my grandchildren were little, I would spend a day once a week with each of them until they began attending school. I have been compiling a journal of "Gramma Days" — a diary of what we did, along with photographs. No one knows I am doing this.
My dilemma is the timing to present the album to each child. Should I give the complete diaries to the children now that they are all reading, or should I present a chapter to each one starting with this year's birthday and then put another in their Christmas stockings, continuing until they have all the chapters? — Gramma Carol
Dear Gramma Carol: What a lovely idea, and one the grandchildren will enjoy no matter how you present it. Young children often digest reading material better in small doses, so the idea of giving them a chapter at a time is charming and will give them something to look forward to.
Dear Annie: I would like to respond to "Knowing We Did the Right Thing." I agree that recipients should let donor families know how they are doing, especially if the donor family has requested information.
My son was killed in December 2005 by a hit-and-run driver. I had the opportunity to meet my son's recipient, but after two years, he stopped updates.
Please tell "Right Thing" that I share her pain. Losing a child is the worst thing for a parent to go through. Maybe we should start a donor family support group so we can comfort each other. —C.
Dear C.: A good idea — and support groups already exist through your local donor agency.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. © Creators Syndicate Inc.