Jill C. Manning was already a successful licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in research and clinical work related to pornography when she married at age 33. She knew what it was like to be a Latter-day Saint and single.
She had come to understand for herself the potential opportunities for single adults in the Church who can use the time before marriage to develop and learn. She had also met people who did not use the time well.
Most troubling were her clients who began viewing pornography as single adults, thinking it would teach them about sexuality and intimacy and prepare them for future relationships. Many had the notion that to have a healthy marital relationship, a person has to be "well experienced."
The truth is, she said, everything human beings need to learn about healthy sexuality can be learned without ever having sexual relations outside of marriage or viewing pornography.
As part of an on-going series on young single adults in the Church, this week the Church News looks at young single adults and intimacy.
Sister Manning, who testified before a U.S. Senate subcommittee on the harms of pornography and is author of the book, What's the Big Deal about Pornography: A Guide for the Internet Generation, said many young single adults have mixed messages about sexual intimacy.
Remaining chaste, refraining from sexual activity outside of marriage, and avoiding pornographic materials are fundamental teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ. Breaking these commandments, said Sister Manning, will "lead a person down a path that can quickly become destructive."
Sister Manning explained that part of sexual learning "includes developing the qualities that are necessary for healthy relationships, as well as identifying the habits, attitudes and attributes that you can focus on and develop before marriage." She offers several ways to appropriately prepare for marital intimacy:
• Learn how to take good care of your body through exercise, proper nutrition, and proper hygiene practices. "Being physically healthy is important for your overall well-being, including your sexual functioning and attractiveness," she explained.
• Learn how to live a balanced lifestyle that includes spirituality, relaxation, social connection, mental stimulation, and service to others. "A balanced life increases your attractiveness to other healthy people and communicates to others that you have respect for yourself and a love for life," she said, noting that learning to find balance in life will also help a person put sexuality in perspective and realize that while it is an important part of life, it is not life.
• Develop self-confidence through setting and achieving wholesome goals, living in sync with your values, exploring your talents, and giving to others. "Self-confidence is a very attractive quality and increases the likelihood that other self-confident people will be attracted to you. If you have areas of insecurity, as all of us do, simply do your best to work on these areas of your life little by little, seeking out ways to master it over time."
• Learn to be honest with yourself and others. "Dishonesty is the kiss of death to relationships," she said.
• Learn to be a person of integrity. Being a person of integrity means you are true to your word, follow through with promises and commitments, keep confidences and can be trusted with people's feelings. "Intimate relationships involve sharing the most vulnerable, private and special parts of one's self with another person. If we have not learned to handle delicate and important information with great care, we will be prone to hurting our loved ones very deeply." Integrity, she added, is also what prevents someone from cheating on a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or from viewing pornography secretly.
• Set the goal of remaining abstinent before marriage and of reserving sexual relations for the person you are married to. "Abstinence is the best protection against sexually transmitted diseases and reduces your risk for divorce in the future," said Sister Manning. Remaining abstinent before marriage gives a person the time to develop and prepare emotionally, spiritually, physically, temporally, and socially for a sexual relationship with his or her spouse.
• Seek out medically and psychologically sound information about bodies, relationships and sexual functioning in order to understand sexuality. "As with any part of life, it is critical to get accurate, high quality information when learning a new subject," she said.
• Learn what the consequences and responsibilities of sexual activity are. "It is critical to understand how pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases affect your life so that you can behave responsibly and avoid causing and/or experiencing a great deal of heartache."
• Develop your social skills by learning how to interact well with people and how to be comfortable in a variety of social settings. "Good social skills are an important part of healthy sexuality," Sister Manning said.
• Develop your spirituality by learning how to nurture your spirit in meaningful ways and by acquiring a spiritual perspective on sexuality. "In the pornography-obsessed world we live in, gaining a spiritual perspective on sexuality can serve as an anchor. Our relationship with God can also give us strength and encouragement as we strive to develop the qualities that will help us fulfill our full potential."
• Develop patience. "If you are committed to remaining chaste before marriage, you will need patience in order to endure temptations, natural desires and the ups and downs of dating," she said.
• Learn that sexual feelings are normal and can help motivate you towards important goals in life (such as dating, marriage, and starting a family), but also learn that they do not need to be acted upon whenever you have them. Sister Manning said "people who regularly look at pornography condition themselves to think and feel that if they have a sexual feeling they automatically need to act on it in some way. This is not true."
• Seek professional help to resolve and heal any traumatic experiences related to sexual, physical or emotional abuse in your life. "When abusive and traumatic experiences are not healed and dealt with in healthy, constructive ways, people are prone to seek out unhealthy relationships and/or to engage in self-destructive behavior due to feelings of self-loathing. Seeking professional help as early in life as possible is an important step in being prepared and open to a healthy relationship in the future."
E-mail to: sarah@desnews.com