clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Frumpy Middle-Aged Mom: Ice cream trucks are the spawn of Satan

(MCT) — Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?

Well, mine do, because they've been bombarded with the ice cream truck's hideous electronic "Turkey in the Straw" 10,000 times this summer, a tune that gets stuck in your head until they've laid you in the cold, hard ground.

When I adopted my kids, a friend with six children warned me: Never, ever let them buy ice cream from a truck. Otherwise, they'll torment you every day all summer, whenever they hear that tinny speaker.

I know, you're saying to yourself, "That Frumpy Mom is one grouchy lady, she won't even let her kids get ice cream, a time honored tradition."

But since I truly believe that these trucks were sent by Satan to drive people mad, I followed her advice. I don't want their evil dominion to spread.

I wasn't surprised to hear about ice cream truck vendors being arrested for selling drugs out of their trucks. If you will drive around a peaceful neighborhood, blasting loudspeakers and disturbing the peace, you will stop at nothing. Drugs, robberies, murder. Hey, it could happen.

Years ago, I lived in a neighborhood where these pests drove through once an hour. They set their speaker volume so loud, and drove so slowly, that you could hear each truck for an hour coming and going.

So, it was like living in a frozen dairy nightmare.

They would stop when a customer came up, but let the songs grind on and on.

A city ordinance actually required them to turn off their speakers if they stopped, but they never did.

Getting "It's a Small World" stuck in your head for hours was like being infected by one of those horrible tropical maggots that enters through your foot, and then grows and then bursts out of your brain.

I heard from one reader who mentioned one way in which the ice cream trucks could be made even worse.

She said that, in Cambodia, all the trucks play Christmas carols all the time, despite the fact that it's not Christmas at all, or that Cambodia is a Buddhist country. That would lead to violence, I think.

If your kids already bug you to get ice cream, there is something you can do.

Rent the 1995 movie, "Evil Ice Cream Man" in which an escaped mental patient chases kids and drives around in his truck, giving kids treats filled with insects and pieces of dead bodies instead of ice cream.

They also made a movie in 2005, "We All Scream for Ice Cream," about an ice cream man who came back from the dead as a bloodthirsty ghost after he was tormented and accidentally killed by neighborhood children.

Show that to your kids, and maybe they'll never beg for a treat from the truck again.

Marla Jo Fisher was a workaholic before she adopted two foster kids several years ago. Now she juggles work and single parenting, while being exhorted from everywhere to be thinner, smarter, sexier, healthier, more frugal, a better mom, better dressed and a tidier housekeeper. Read her blog at