I always thought I would be a cool mom.
I guess all moms-to-be at some point imagine themselves as the "cool mom" on the block. You know, the mom all the kids want to hang out with, talk to over cookies and milk and invite to participate in sleepover gossip.
I really thought it was within my grasp. I was going to be a cool mom. I was pretty cool before I had my baby (at least by my standards), so what could change?
Fast forward 2 1/2 years later, and I formally admit defeat. I am in no way cool.
In fact, I have become my worst nightmare — the embarrassing mom.
I was hit in the face with this reality last week when I took my daughter swimming at the county recreation center. I actually swam in the same pool as a child, so our little excursion was a trip down memory lane.
But then, things went horribly wrong.
After our swim, I changed my daughter and then stripped myself down in the locker room. Normally I would get a stall or be a little more discreet about changing in public, but my daughter was standing barefoot on a public bathroom floor with her hair soaking wet, so I was going as fast as I could.
As I stood there naked, trying to keep my daughter from picking up a soggy Band-Aid off the floor, a girl who must have been about 10 years old walked by and shot me this shocked look.
I knew that look.
I had given that same look to many a naked locker-room mom back when I was a kid. The look says, "Whoa. Seriously? Have you lost your sense of decency to the point where you are really just standing there naked in a public locker room? Geez."
It was at that moment that I realized I was not a cool mom. I am a naked-in-the-locker-room, embarrass-the-heck-out-of-my-daughter-one-day kind of mom.
I have also realized I am uncool every time I utter words or phrases such as "No cookies before dinner" or "Eat all your broccoli so you'll grow big and strong."
As I say these words, I often look around to see who is saying these things. Who put these words into my mouth? A cool mom would definitely never say such things.
I just don't know how it happened so fast. It's like one day you're a cool, young married person, then before you know it you're saying things like, "That's not music, that's just yelling," and asking questions to no one in particular like, "Since when do boys wear girl jeans?" and "Why does anyone tweet, anyway?"
Before I know it I'll be wearing curlers in my hair to my daughter's school and saying heinous things like, "Why not do your homework on Friday night so you don't have to worry about it all weekend?"
I really thought I had a chance, but I can feel my cool mom status slipping away every day. It slips a little every time I use the word "potty" in conversation with adults. It slips when I pull out diaper rash cream from my purse while looking for my wallet.
But maybe the truth is that a cool mom is an oxymoron. Perhaps it's just not possible to be both. Maybe being a good mom is about as close to cool as you can get in motherhood.
So, let's stand proud together as uncool moms.
Let's ban treats before dinner and stand naked in public locker rooms to the embarrassment of our children and total strangers.
And let's wait for the day when our own children realize they'd rather have a good mom than a cool one anyway.
We can dream, right?
Erin Stewart's blog, Just4Mom, can be found Tuesdays and Thursdays at deseretnews.com.
e-mail: estewart@desnews.com