WASHINGTON — The next step may be that we all must fly naked.
How else are we going to assure our safety if the government and the airlines seem unwilling to install virtual nudity machines in all of the nation's 450 airports and overseas to stop terrorists from hiding dangerous objects in their underwear? After all, we are now taking off our jackets, belts and shoes (thanks to another mad bomber). What's the big deal in removing our pants or dresses?
About 25 major airports have these very expensive "Superman" X-ray devices that disrobe us. But only those categorized as a higher risk than the average passenger are screened by them.
The excuse generally given for not making them as routine as the magnetometers is that there are privacy considerations. Baloney! It's the money. Everyone knows what normal things are appended to our bodies, so why should we worry about a peek that only the person operating the machine sees? What's the big deal? Ladies, just pretend you are Lois Lane. Men don't much care.
The only problem with going the bare route is the new rule that says no one can put anything in his or her lap, like blankets and pillows and so forth, the last hour of the flight. That could get a little frosty and embarrassing for the male passengers. Then, of course, there is the cavity thing. But trying to remove something from one of those places would also be quite noticeable and stimulate action from fellow passengers or the air marshals who are supposed to be ubiquitous and inconspicuous but don't seem to be around when needed.
We are forced to discuss all this because of the vaunted Homeland Security Department's reliance on a safety process that allowed a young radical Muslim access to a trans-Atlantic flight that nearly ended in a horrific disaster. Even a series of warnings, including one from this would-be terrorist's own father, didn't register above mildly interested with the security nerds. The son's name was put on a list with a half-million designated as lesser threats. So the system failed miserably regardless of initial nonsense claims to the contrary by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. If the Nigerian terrorist-wannabe hadn't messed up, 300 passengers would have been blown all over the Detroit landscape. The system worked? Are you nuts, Napolitano? President Barack Obama is taking that under consideration.
The young radical reportedly marched through security with the explosive and a detonator in his underwear while presumably security personnel were busy taking nail clippers, miniature Swiss Army knives and unopened moisturizer bottles from kids and little old ladies. Good for the passengers who jumped in corralling him and putting out the fire. But it would have been too late had he followed his al-Qaida instructions properly. Hundreds of millions, even billions, of dollars spent on professional security since 9/11, and civilians finally have to stop a guy said to be wearing deadly shorts.
Now we are faced with longer-than-ever airport security lines and delayed flights and huge financial losses to airlines that already are seeing the new restrictions take a bite out of the lucrative international business travel because of the one-hour rule. Passengers are clearly going to bear the brunt of all this, only some of which makes much sense. Imagine the frustration if not actual pain as the deadline approaches and you are at the back of a long restroom line.
The president seems as appalled as everyone else at the lapse in Napolitano's security and has ordered the Transportation Safety Administration to assess the process. While it is dithering with the obvious, the new restrictions, good and bad, will continue. Those who have to travel, meanwhile, might consider a car or bus or boat or passenger train, if one can be found in the area you are planning to visit. Otherwise, you might check the freight-train schedules.
If the naked idea doesn't strike your fancy, I'm not surprised. The next best thing then is the virtual strip searcher that can tell in a second if we're hiding something we shouldn't. Under the circumstances, it's worth what it costs.
E-mail Dan K. Thomasson, former editor of the Scripps Howard News Service, at thomassondan@aol.com.