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Fruitcake recycling

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The following editorial appeared recently in the Dallas Morning News:

Even when the yearly "war against Christmas" is raging at its loudest, ever notice how none of the holiday's critics messes with the fruitcake? Nobody else seems to want it. According to one theory, there's really only one fruitcake in the world. The lightning speed with which we all re-gift it only makes it seem as if there are others out there.

OK, we know that's a myth because some of us have tried chopping our fruitcake into tiny bits with the idea that this would make it more edible or easier to feed down the kitchen sink. (The dicing failed to produce either result.) Even worse, another loaf magically arrived with a thud the next year, whole and untouched, in all its candied-fruit glory.

So the holiday has passed and, surprise, this colorful "delicacy" is still untouched on the dining room table. What to do with the indestructible, impenetrable, unmovable Christmas fruitcake? Here are a few "green recycling" suggestions.

1. Doorstop

2. Dumbbell

3. Pothole-filler

4. Spare aircraft-carrier anchor

5. Neighborhood-friendly fruitcake recycling yards as an alternative to metal scrap yards

6. Cover for use during airport security scans

7. "Greeting card" for Prince Charles' Rolls-Royce during London protests

8. Spare ammunition for an M1-A1 Abrams main battle tank

9. If flattened by a steam roller and trimmed appropriately, an excellent spare head gasket for your car engine

10. Perfect way to stop a runaway steamroller

11. Spare piston for your car engine

12. Handy wheel block to keep your car from rolling backward

13. Pier-and-beam option to shore up sagging house foundation

14. Tough but absorbent repair material for levees

15. Tsunami repellant

16. Fruitcake-boarding as surefire way to make Guantanamo prisoners talk

17. Fruitcake-boarding as surefire way to make (pick one: Glenn Beck, Stephen Colbert, Joan Rivers) stop talking

18. Heat shields for space shuttle

19. Durable, shock-absorbing substance to make football helmets safer

20. Possible "junk shot" addition to golf balls and tires during the next Gulf oil spill

By no means is this list exhaustive. The inspirational quality of fruitcake is perhaps one reason why it's such a popular item during the holiday season.

Nothing says Christmas like fruitcake, probably because it reminds us, truly, how much better it is to give than to receive.