There are a lot of things in this life I don't get.
FOR EXAMPLE! Why J.K. Rowling became a millionaire writing about a boy wizard and Diana Wynn Jones didn't.
Why the biorhythms of women and men are so rarely in sync.
Why turning on a TV set is harder now than it was 50 years ago.
Why the Cubs can NEVER get it together.
Why anyone would want their own reality TV show.
Why Meryl Streep is the only actress over the age of 50 who gets to be in movies.
Why (cliche alert!) there are always more bathrooms for men than for women.
Why (cliche alert!) youth, as they say, is wasted on the young.
I also don't get how people found each other in parking lots after football games before cell phones were invented. How owning a McMansion became the American Dream.
How people survive winters in Alaska.
How certain coaches (like Pete Carroll) keep getting primo jobs even after they've been canned.
How people can be persuaded to vote against their own interests.
Also, can anybody tell me why the more desperately you want something in this life, the more likely you are NEVER to get it?
Or why when you finally get the thing you want, you don't want it anymore? Or, conversely why the cosmos sometimes showers you with extravagant gifts you don't deserve?
Here's the thing I'm wondering about this morning:
WHY MY DOGS WON'T EAT THEIR BREAKFAST!
Yes! OK! I admit it! I took a risk and bought something other than the usual Kibbles 'n Bits. Still, it was an actual name brand and not just some cheap generic fake recycled cardboard dog food.
But guess what? These dogs of mine are standing here in the kitchen, staring me down with accusing eyes, and I'm all, WHAT!? You guys are staging a boycott? Because let's be candid, shall we? What won't dogs eat?
And yes! OK! I admit it! I've written a column about this subject before (see Sunday, May 3, 2009) (but only if you feel like it), wherein my friends and I generated a huge long scary list of stuff we've personally witnessed dogs eat, including "garbage," which translates as "candy" in Dog Language.
Dogs gather around garbage cans like office employees around vending machines on break and consider their snack options.
Dogs on break: Yesterday, we tried the Barbie shoes. Today, we're going for the used Kleenex.
A long time ago, one of my dogs (a cocker spaniel named Bogie) ate part of a light bulb he found in the garbage can and OK, Bogie did die. TEN YEARS LATER. (And not from light bulb ingestion, either.)
The only thing my dogs won't eat is fruit. In fact, that's how they're acting now — like I just had room service send up a fruit basket — AND IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY because come on, there are already too many unanswerable questions in this life.
Why a dog won't eat breakfast should NOT be one of them.