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Utah politicos have troubles, but all they need is love

It's Valentine's Day. Love is in the air, and while your columnists are, admittedly, not great poets, we are great lovers (at least that's what Webb keeps telling his wife).

Being such creatures of romance, we thought it appropriate to appropriate (in other words, steal) famous love songs and poems and apply them to all the political sweethearts out there.

After all, politicians need a little more love in their lives. And since legislators aren't meeting on Valentine's Day, they aren't doing their usual shtick with Sen. John Valentine, so we're filling in.

So here are a few (rather tortured) political valentines:

From Utah public employees to the Utah Legislature:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

If you mess with our retirement

This November we will target you.

To Sen. Orrin Hatch from himself:

Do I love me because I'm beautiful,

Or am I beautiful because I love me?

To Republican delegates from Sen. Bob Bennett:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

I share your disgust with the shenanigans in D.C.

And beseech your love for the convention in May

So please remember Obama is the enemy, not me.

To liberal Democrat delegates from Rep. Jim Matheson:

You like potato and I like potahto,

I say Blue Dog and you say DINO

I am your only hope this November

So you cannot call the whole thing off.

To legislators from backers of citizen initiatives trying to use electronic signatures:

All's fair in love and politics.

Some gentle, pensive yearning from the Legislature:

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East, and ethics is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious initiatives

Yes, I spurned and mocked you for many years

But now I need your loving embrace this election season.

To judges from legislators proposing bills of questionable constitutionality:

Love (and lawmaking) is blind.

From Rep. Jason Chaffetz to the news media:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee when you print my name in black-and-white

I love thee when you interview me with camera and light

I love thee whether news programs, national and local, left or right

I love thee whenever your audience has me in their sight.

From the Republican majority to the Democratic minority:

Politics means you never have to say you're sorry.

From the Legislature to Chief Justice Christine Durham:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

We really don't care whether the governor can appoint the Chief Justice

We are just tired of you.

From Rep. Rob Bishop to supporters of federalism:

Everybody loves an issue sometime,

Everybody finds a cause somehow.

Something in this topic just told me,

My sometime is now.

From Gov. Gary Herbert to Salt Lake County Mayor Peter Corroon:

Is it wrong to attack you, Dear?

We this moment knew —

I would suffer political snipes from you

But so early in this year?

So please expect a not-so-gentle caress from me, too.

From Republicans to the Tea Party activists:

Love us tender,

Love us sweet,

From unaffiliated status please go,

Only you can make our elections complete,

We do love you so.

From the tobacco lobbyists to the Conservative Caucus:

What's in a name? That which we call a tax

By any other name would smell like a rat

So a tobacco tax would it not tobacco called

Retain that abhorrence which it owes

Without that reference to cigarettes.

We'd better quit before we gag, but love truly does make the world (and politics) go 'round. Final Valentine's Day advice: Make love, not laws.

Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and a Deseret News managing editor. E-mail: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a Utah state tax commissioner. E-mail: frankp@xmission.com.