Dora
the Explorer and Swiper the sneaky fox make an appearance at a stake conference in Idaho. Two
sister missionaries engage in a tug-of-war with a condor in Bolivia.
And a senior missionary couple's car becomes suspect in Mississippi.
Just a sampling of the latest round of funny stories.
Since
Mormon Times debuted in the Deseret News in January 2008, we have been
asking readers to send us their humorous accounts of LDS life and
culture. And they always deliver, whether it be a child awaiting the
170-second general conference or a farmer in Pennsylvania confused
about his new neighbors.
So enjoy these funny recollections, and keep sending them in.
__IMAGE1__Swiper in the chapel
I went home for spring break, and it was my parents' stake conference.
As
I sat listening to the speakers I was repeatedly offended as the young
family in front of me opened package after package of Girl Scout
cookies — all the while not offering me a single one.
Yeah, I know.
Thin Mints.
Samoas.
Tagalongs.
I was tempted to just reach forward and grab one from the little girl.
Well,
her father apparently had the same craving and the same idea. As his
daughter looked the other way, he slowly began to pry a cookie from her
tiny hand.
Suddenly the 3-year-old's head whipped around. "Swiper, no swiping!" she screamed.
My future children are now cut off from Dora the Explorer and will always share their snacks in church.
Kari JenkinsPocatello, Idaho
Bird battle
The
condor, magnificent king of the Andes, has always been a fascination
with me. Similar to our American eagle, but much larger, the condor is
black and majestic, with a wing span of up to 10 feet.
More than a year into my Mormon mission to South America, I was able to meet one.
My
companion and I were en route to our new assignment in southern
Bolivia. Because of scheduling problems, we had a three-day layover in
the city of Oruro. We spent most of our time doing first-contacting in
different and unusual places, one of which was the Oruro zoo.
Upon
entering the zoo, we soon found the condor cage and eagerly began
pulling our cameras out of our purses to take pictures. My companion,
who was carrying a Book of Mormon and a Bible, set her books down on a
cement post next to the cage. The condor, perched close to the fence,
spotted her books and moved closer for a better look. He poked his head
through an opening in the fence and began pecking away at her
scriptures.
A
vulture and a carnivore, a condor is not the kind of animal you want
eating your Standard Works. As Sister Watts reached out and grabbed her
books, the condor released the books and grabbed her hand in his beak.
Panic-stricken, she pulled back, but the bird held tight.
We thought maybe it was the end for poor Sister Watts. The harder she pulled, the tighter he gripped.
I
didn't know what to do. All I had in my hands was a copy of the May
Ensign, the general conference issue. Rolling it up, I beat the condor
over the head for all I was worth. After a few furious minutes he
finally released his hold.
Sister
Watts was saved, which just goes to show that even though we might have
the ancient scriptures, at times we are helpless to save ourselves
without the words of the living prophet.
Judy BushSykesville, Md.
170-second conference
Though it happened several years ago, this story will forever be engraved in my memory.
My
daughter was riding in the car with my then-6-year-old grandson, Kyle,
as it was announced on the radio that the 172nd Annual General
Conference would soon be starting. Shortly after that, Kyle asked my
daughter how many minutes there were in 170 seconds. Not knowing why he
asked, she quickly figured it up in her head. After Kyle received his
answer, he said, "This conference sure won't be very long, then, will
it?"
Kathleen Marshall
Cottonwood Heights, Utah
Hate to wait
The
ward executive secretary approached me before church and asked if I
would give the benediction in sacrament meeting. "Oh, no!" I exclaimed.
"I don't like to give closing prayers. I spend the whole meeting
worrying about what I'm going to say."
"That's OK," he said. "I'll put you down for the invocation next Sunday."
Berneice NeeleySalt Lake City
Why stray?
Some
years ago my husband, our two small children and I lived in southern
Oregon. We had been there for a couple of years and truly loved the
community and our ward. My husband then received a job transfer to
Seattle. It was not my desire to uproot and leave the security we felt,
but we knew we had to go where the job took us. On our last Sunday in
the ward, we were asked to speak in sacrament meeting, along with two
other families who were also moving out of the community. The bishop
stood halfway through the meeting and announced that "we now will be
favored by a musical number, a violin solo of the hymn, 'Ye Simple
Souls Who Stray.'" This was not lost on the congregation who thought
the irony of that particular hymn that particular Sunday was, to say
the least, humorous.
Janeen HullingerFarmington, Utah
Spiritual slumber
It
was a hot July afternoon sacrament meeting in a time before
air-conditioning was installed in our building. The speaker had talents
other than talking in church, and he droned on and on while nature took
its toll on the congregation. My 3-year-old son, Todd, stood on the
bench at my shoulder, watching the speaker. He then turned around,
intently observing the people behind us. After a short while he turned
back to me and quietly whispered in my ear: "Lots of people think he's
praying, huh, Mama?"
Doris Moir
Salt Lake City
Missionary APBMy
wife and I were driving down the highway one day while serving in the
Mississippi Jackson Mission when we were stopped by a highway patrolman
with sirens blaring and red lights flashing. He approached our car and
said he had just received an "all points bulletin" for two bank robbers
who had just left the scene of the robbery in a brown Toyota just like
ours.
I asked if the APB indicated
that the bank robbers were disguised as a senior Mormon missionary
couple with missionary badges and Utah license plates on their car. He
just stared at us for several seconds in total silence. Then my wife
(being the good missionary that she is) said, "Sir, would you like a
free video about the real meaning of Easter?" After staring at us in
total silence for several more seconds, he just walked back to his
patrol car and drove away. Apparently we were no longer considered
suspects.
Larry Humpherys
Harrisville, Utah
Hooked on family history
A
recent widow found her way into the family history center where I
worked. After I reassured her she was welcome — that she didn't need to
be a member and there was no cost — she became an avid student. She was
a good typist and a quick study. On the third day, with her fingers
flying over the keyboard, I heard her talking to herself. "What did you
say?" I asked. She raised her voice and repeated, "I'm certainly glad
my husband is dead!"
"Why?" was all I could say.
"Because," she replied, "if he knew how much time I was spending here, he'd kill me."
Kay Lack
Redding, Calif.
Lightning rod?
My
6-year-old learned about the Iron Rod in Primary. He's a technically
minded guy, and after thinking about it all afternoon, he announced at
dinner, "In a thunderstorm, the Iron Rod would conduct electricity." So
perhaps we ought to rethink that goal never to let go...
Lee Ann Setzer
Springville, Utah
'Sneaky' neighbors
Our
son-in-law's great-uncle, a Pennsylvania Protestant, has a farm on a
road that extends from the city through the suburbs into the country.
All upset, he reported one day, "The Mormons bought some land down the
road to build a church! They were real sneaky, though. They negotiated
as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!"
U. Henry GerlachChampaign, Ill.
Thou shalt not ride?
My
son Kenny was 4 in 1971 and went to preschool three days a week with
several of his neighborhood friends. We mothers took turns carpooling
the little boys, and Kenny was the last one to be picked up when I
wasn't driving. Our neighbors were also Christians but not members of
our church. One sunny Arizona morning as he climbed into the car driven
by his best friend Matthew's mother, she explained, "Kenny, we have
been talking about motorcycles on our way to pick you up." And then she
posed the question, "Are you ever going to ride a motorcycle?" Kenny's
response came quickly and ever so earnestly: "Oh no, Mrs. Stevenson! We
are Mormons!"
Karin L. Ford
Chandler, Ariz.
Costly error
We
had recently moved from Oklahoma to Willamina, Ore., First Ward. While
in Oklahoma my assignment was to prepare the ward bulletin each week.
Many times information would come in at the last minute and preparation
would be left until late Saturday evening. My mental acuity was not
always at its best at that point, but I always got the job done — even
if it was 1 a.m.
Once my new ward
learned what my past assignment had been, I found myself again
preparing our ward bulletin each week. I prided myself in making sure
that it was as perfect as the information I had received. A computer
with spell-checker was a big help.
One
Sunday, we had come to the closing hymn in the service. I don't
remember what the bishop said at the podium, but I remember that my
eyes got big and I asked my wife if I could see the program. There it
was, in black and white. The closing hymn: "We Thank Thee, O God, for a
Profit"!
Richard HollidayTerreton, Idaho
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