"WHAT I DID THIS SUMMER"
(Or "How I Made My World a MUCH Happier Place")
by Ann Cannon
OK, so I've been a cable news junkie for years.
For a while I watched Fox because I thought all the BIG! WHOOSHING! NOISES! every time they cut to a new story were hugely entertaining.
But then I grew weary of all those blond anchoresses delivering the news while wearing sleeveless cocktail dresses at 10 in the morning.
So then I watched MSNBC in spite of the fact that Chris Matthews talks over all of his guests and Keith Olbermann often comes across as a horse's behind.
(Oh, Keith Olbermann. I love you SO MUCH when you talk about football. Just wish you did it more often these days.)
Finally I settled into a pattern of randomly selecting a cable channel and leaving it on all day long — just as long as that channel broadcasted news 24/7.
As you can imagine I was well versed on Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran.
I knew all about TARP and health care. I was familiar with the thorny issues involving immigration. I could dish with the best of them about Rod Blagojevich and Scott Brown.
And don't forget about Lindsay Lohan! Or Mel Gibson! Or Snooki!
Oh, please, please, please DO NOT forget about Snooki of the "Jersey Shore"! Because as it turns out, cable news channels spend a LOT of time talking about those people, too!
About the only thing I didn't know is what Brett Favre was going to do next. But then, neither did Brett Favre.
Anyway. One day I noticed it was getting harder to get out of bed in the mornings.
Meh. Also bleh.
Everyone knows the whole world is going to hell in a fancy handbasket these days, and besides now that BP has polluted our waters so we can't order all-the-shrimp-you-can-eat at the Sizzler anymore, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF LIVING?
I ask you!
Better to just stay in bed and pull the pillow over my head.
Then one morning I accidentally didn't turn on the TV. Can't remember why now. But toward the end of the day I noticed how peaceful I felt. All Zen-like. Sort of like Phil Jackson.
Could it be I was feeling so GREAT because I hadn't listened to the news all day?
So the following morning I left off the TV again — this time on purpose.
And guess what? Same result.
It felt good not to watch Rahm Emanuel smirk or listen to Sarah Palin screech like a 14-year-old girl about Americans getting stabbed in the heart.
It was grand not to hear the Rev. Al Sharpton pontificate or stare at John Boehner's spray-on tan.
It was FABULOUS not to sink into despair as both the left and the right continue their rock fight.
So I turned off cable news for good.
Does this mean I'll stop following what's happening in the world?
Of course not!
There's always the morning paper — which I can read quietly.
e-mail: acannon@desnews.com