Dear Abby: I have a good friend, "Nina," whom I have known more than 35 years. I relocated 1,500 miles from her recently and would like to invite her to visit me. The problem is, I want her to come alone. My husband and I have no desire to entertain her husband, "Sam."
Sam is a verbally abusive know-it-all on every subject who monopolizes every conversation, allowing no one else to get a word in. The few times we went out together as a foursome, my husband came home with a pounding headache.
How do I tell Nina I would love for her to come, but to leave Sam home? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but we will no longer tolerate his self-centered personality nor the way he treats my friend.
P.S.: None of Sam's family will invite him to stay for the same reason. — No Room at the Inn in Missouri
Dear No Room: Try this: Invite Nina for a "girls' visit" — perhaps to shop, spend a day at a spa, or just put her feet up and gossip. List whatever mutual interests you have that you can think of that would bore Sam to death. Also, try to invite her at a time when your husband might be away — so there isn't the expectation that Sam "should" be included. If the situation is as you describe with Sam's family, he's used to it.
Dear Abby: I recently reconnected with a friend on Facebook whom I hadn't seen in 40 years. The photo she posted is from high school. Usually there's a reason for that, but after meeting her again, she's still as pretty as I remembered — but she looks like she's frozen in the 1960s. She desperately needs a "makeover." How can I politely help my friend update her look with a new hairdo and more flattering makeup? (One of my daughters is a stylist and the other is an aesthetician.) — Still Smitten in Kansas
Dear Still Smitten: Introduce her to your daughters, let nature take its course, and the inevitable will happen.
Dear Abby: I have recently filed for custody of my 6-year-old niece, "Ella." My mother has had custody for the last few years, but Mother is an alcoholic. I have tried to control various situations that arise, but I cannot let my niece be in my mother's care. I know what it was like for me growing up in that environment, and I want better opportunities for Ella.
My mother will be heartbroken, but I see no alternative. How can I explain this to my mother? I want her to get help, but she still doesn't admit that she has a problem. — Confused in Arkansas
Dear Confused: If you have custody of Ella, it doesn't mean that your mother can't see or spend time with her — when she's sober. But right now, your niece's welfare is more important than your mother's feelings.
Surely you are not the only person who realizes your mother has a problem with alcohol. Gather some allies, and stage an intervention. All of you should tell her the effect that her drinking has had on those around her. That may be her "wake-up call" and may cause her to seek help.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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