I know of a couple, I'll call Henry and Wendy. They do not have a good or happy marriage.
Henry's first wife, Martha, passed away. Henry soon married Wendy, even though he never fully grieved for Martha. Actually, Henry's still in love with Martha.
Henry compares Wendy to Martha. In Henry's eyes, Martha was perfect; Wendy is not.
To complicate matters, Henry doesn't communicate with Wendy about their issues. He does with his grown children but denies to Wendy that he does. His children do the same. Disloyalty runs rampant.
Henry doesn't respect Wendy; neither do his children. Actually, Henry's children are quite rude to Wendy. They only know her through the eyes of their father.
How healthy it would be if one of them approached their father and say something like, "Dad, what you are telling me is something you need to discuss with Wendy, not me," or, "Dad, I'd appreciate you not sharing your couple issues with me. It puts me in an uncomfortable position."
It can be something short, simple and, yes, even sweet.
Henry wants to be intimate with Wendy but doesn't understand that in order for Wendy to do so, she needs trust, loyalty and communication.
Henry feels rejected, therefore he treats her worse.
Henry can turn violent, hitting doors, walls, etc. He hasn't become physically violent with Wendy, yet, but there is still emotional, mental and verbal abuse.
Wendy can do no right. She is humiliated in front of strangers, Henry's children and even extended family. Nonetheless, Henry will treat a total stranger the way he should treat his wife.
Wendy has suggested counseling, but Henry thinks only people with "problems" do that.
If you live with a Henry, you will need to make some decisions, especially if domestic violence is present.
If you are a Wendy, you, too, need to make some decisions. First and foremost, you need to be safe.
If you are one of Henry's children, don't enable your father. Instead, take a stand.
If this situation applies to you, consider becoming like one couple I know that is happily married and puts one another first.
This couple has total love and respect for each other. You can see it in how they treat each other. They're actually a joy to watch and have even learned to speak one another's love language (see Dr. Gary Chapman best-selling book "The Five Love Languages"). Essentially, Chapman writes about speaking your partner's love language, not your own (or what you like to receive). The goal is for your partner to do the same.
Henry can do this.
Wendy can, too.
Even the grown children.
And the in-laws.
Cynthia Kimball Humphreys is a professional speaker and trainer. She writes a column for weeklies in southern Utah and is a southern Utah correspondent for Deseret News. She can be reached at kimball@every1counts.net. Her column, "Every1Counts," appears on deseretnews.com bimonthly.