Now that Labor Day is just a cold memory, the election season is in full swing. The deluge of commercials, mailers, debates and rhetoric can be confusing for well-adjusted intelligent citizens. Because we care so much for the well-being of our readers, we hereby offer the 2010 election version of "What politicians say (and what they really mean)."
Utah Gov. Gary Herbert: "I care deeply about jobs for citizens, maintaining family values, quality education and everything that is good about our state. " (If I don't say anything substantive or stupid I can coast to victory.)
Salt Lake County Mayor and the gubernatorial hopeful Peter Corroon: "We have tackled the hard questions in this campaign and we have an excellent chance to win." (Wow, this is the worst year in history for a Democrat to run.)
Second Congressional District Republican hopeful Morgan Philpot: "Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi and, by the way, did I mention Nancy Pelosi." (I've got nothing else against Matheson.)
Congressman Jim Matheson: "I am proud of my status as a maverick and rebel." (Please, will everyone forget this year that I am a Democrat? I would appreciate it.)
Congressman Jason Chaffetz: "The change in direction for this country is more than just about this election, it's a needed paradigm shift in the mindset of Washington." (I'm running against Orrin Hatch).
GOP Senate candidate Michael Lee: "As a constitutional scholar, I support amending the Constitution to repeal the 14th Amendment to prevent anchor babies and repealing the 17th Amendment to reinstate legislative election of U.S. senators." (Hey, I must keep the tea party activists happy and endorse their archconservative ideas.)
Democratic Senate candidate Sam Granato: "Soon, I will be revealing my detailed policy positions." (Wow! The election is less than 50 days away?)
Legislative candidates: "I am here at your doorstep to listen first hand to your concerns, because they are important to me. "(Hey, I don't want to be here, you don't want me to be here, so take the dang brochure and don't ask any questions.)
Republican candidates: "I am concerned about the expanding federal government and will fight encroachment by Washington D.C." (All the focus groups are telling us this is our best message this year, so I'm going with it.)
Democratic candidates: "I am working with the business community for healthcare reform that reduces costs while increasing access." (Obama-care? What's that?)
First Congressional District Congressman Rob Bishop: "I anticipate an important change in the power structure of Washington D.C." (Hee, hee, I am back on the rules committee!)
Top legislative leaders: "Utah needs a leader with vision!" (I have a vision of me in the governor's mansion.)
Some conservative candidates: "The federal debt is an immoral burden on our children and future generations." (Federal funding is wasteful, except for the projects in my community.)
Liberal candidates: "All Americans and Utahns benefited from the federal stimulus programs, saving millions of jobs." (If we say this enough times, maybe they'll forget about high unemployment and the lousy economy).
All politicians: "I am angered and disgusted with Wall Street bigwigs, large banks and the automobile companies." (Expressions of disgust is all you'll get out of me... I'll take their campaign contributions.)
Incumbent candidates: "The pressing demands of elected office limit my participation in debates." (I don't really want to defend my record in public.)
Underfunded candidates: "I will reach out to voters with a strong grassroots campaign." (Sure wish I had some money for mass media.)
Bold candidates: "I will demand transparency and accountability in government." (I am not sure what these words mean, but boy do they sound good.)
Republican party Chairman David Hansen: "This will be a great year for the Utah GOP; we have great candidates and a great message." (What a year to be chairman! Obama, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi made it all so easy. I can sleep until Election Day.)
Democratic Party Chairman Wayne Holland: "We are proud of the tremendous accomplishments of the Obama administration." (Here's hoping he doesn't land at the Salt Lake airport on a flyover.)
Some candidates: "I am just a down-home country fella who knows what's right and who wants to do good." (I have given no thought to any position or policy on any issue whatsoever, so I am doing the 'aw shucks' routine.)
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and a Deseret News managing editor. E-mail: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a Utah state tax commissioner. E-mail: frankp@xmission.com.