My friend Todd, who works for a large Japanese corporation, was once shown around a Japanese office building by a female administrative assistant. The woman attempted to follow behind him about five feet or so, but that felt unnatural to him.
In an attempt to treat her as an equal, he walked side-by-side with her and courteously held open doors, as the occasion permitted. Unfortunately, although the woman adapted somewhat to this foreign treatment, Todd observed that she was obviously uncomfortable.
“I didn’t want to make her feel uneasy, so I asked her about it,” relates Todd. “I explained I was doing what was customary for me as an American but inquired to know what she would prefer. She explained that such special treatment indeed made her feel uncomfortable and that it was her place to follow behind. So, although it felt awkward to me, I obliged and let her act as she felt most comfortable.”
As with most cultural practices, it helps to ask what treatment your foreign associates prefer. However, sometimes even asking associates directly is not an option.
My friend Ed was the subject of another recent column of mine and is, as you may recall, a U.S. expatriate working in Saudi Arabia. There, he is expected to have even less contact with women. While entering his apartment building late one night, he realized someone was approaching after him. Whenever this happened, he usually held the door open for others so that it would not latch and require them to open it with a key.
On this night, a car approached and a Saudi Arabian father dropped off his wife and child at the curb. Not wanting to seem rude (by American standards), Ed held the door and waited. The father drove away, and the woman and child waited for a moment. Ed did not attempt to speak to the woman or make eye contact, both of which he knew would have been inappropriate according to local cultural norms.
“Based on my own cultural norms, I felt it might be rude to let the door close and leave her automatically locked outside while her husband parked the car, so I held the door and looked at the ground,” explains Ed. “After a moment, the woman passed through and I made my way to the elevator. I pressed the call button for the elevator and allowed the woman and her child to go up alone, while I waited for the next elevator car. We happened to arrive on the same floor, and we both went our separate ways, again being careful not to speak, touch or make eye contact.”
Unsure whether or not he had acted politely and appropriately, Ed asked one of his Saudi colleagues. He learned that, by Saudi Islamic standards, it might have been most appropriate for the woman to wait for the husband to park the car and then come around to open the door, even though parking was some distance away. Ed’s gesture may not have been appreciated at all because it put the woman in close quarters with a stranger, away from the protection of her husband.
This Saudi colleague suggested that the woman probably made an exception to her own strict practices to avoid making a foreigner feel uncomfortable. She accepted the gesture and passed through the opened door simply to be nice.
“Not every encounter turns out the same,” says Ed. “Just this week, in the same elevator, one of the other ladies in the apartment was alone in the elevator with her baby. I waited for her to push the up button, again planning to wait outside for the next elevator. However, with a big huge smile she motioned for me to join her – she was in her full abaya, but without her face covered. Being a gracious hostess here is also a very strong value, and we have thoroughly enjoyed the friendships that we have made with the ‘devote but friendly’ subculture... and there are a lot of them!”
In situations like those above, we may feel reassured to know both sides are trying their best to make the other feel at ease. Unfortunately, in other cases, such concessions come at a cost.
Indonesian Information Minister Titaful Sembiring felt the sting that sometimes comes from going outside one’s comfort zone to make others feel at ease. He graciously adapted to the customs of U.S. first lady Michelle Obama, shaking her hand so that she would not feel embarrassed. Unfortunately, that act violated his religious practice of avoiding contact with women outside his family. This resulted in a little fallout among some Indonesians who felt he was being hypocritical.
There is no easy answer to every situation. Even in Western culture, some feminists may consider it demeaning and sexist for a man to open a door for a woman. We can not please everyone all of the time. We can only hope that our good intentions are recognized.
Adam Wooten is director of translation services at Lingotek. He also teaches a course on translation technology at BYU. E-mail: awooten@lingotek.com . Follow him on Twitter at AdamWooten..