Any mother will say that going to the store with their small children ranks right up there with getting a tooth pulled without numbing agents. It's not pleasant. However, the entire experience would be a lot easier if it weren't for the checkout aisle that is packed with delicious candies and treats that magically turn children into troublemakers.
I imagine this delightful section of the grocery store was construed in a dark, seedy back room filled with villains of the most insidious kind, intent on assaulting the sanity of mothers across the nation. No other explanation makes sense to me. It's too cruel.
These evil geniuses were masters of manipulation and psychology, and concocted the perfect, infallible recipe for the torturing of mothers.
I managed to obtain a copy of their evil formula:
1. Place all candy within direct eye-line view of the average height of a 4-year-old. Then, place the rest right at the grasping height of infants sitting in a cart.
2. Place the candy in the last stop mothers must make before escaping the store. This is the point when the mother's resolve will be at its weakest in her already frazzled shopping trip. She is tired and just wants to get out of the store without drawing the attention of security cameras, or ending up going viral on YouTube. Freedom is so close: mothers can see the exits, and will go to great lengths to get there with minimal conflict.
3. Make time an issue. What do mothers do while standing in that aisle of sugar-laden temptation? Wait. Yes, make mothers wait while someone writes a check to pay, the cashier calls a manager 50 times to unlock his or her register, unmarked items get price-checks, and while someone hauls out their purse and pays for their purchase in pennies.
There is a direct correlation between the amount of time children look at candy and the intensity of their frenzied belief that if they do not have it, they will die. To intensify the time factor, we advise that only minimal cashiers be working during times mothers most frequently shop.
4. Use social pressure to your advantage. If asked in what situations mothers feel their skills as a mother are most intensely being assessed and judged, most likely the checkout lane at the grocery store is often second only to being in the presence of mothers-in-law.
To maximize this, place as many people as possible in a confined space where they are forced to stare at each other. Human nature has indicated that while doing so, they will judge. At this point, chidren's innate radars will activate, alerting them to a potentially profitable situation. These radars are more sensitive if there are multiple children: the pack senses weak prey and switches into velociraptor mode, working together as a team to bring down the prey.
5. Packaging. We all know that kids are suckers for packaging. You could sell dirt to children as long as it was packaged in bright colors and featured a commercial with someone enthusiastically proclaiming the "amazing and awesome power of dirt."
All candy in this aisle should be packaged specifically for children. It doesn't matter if it's a candy that makes absolutely no sense like jelly goo that squeezes out of a twisty tube "rocket ship" canal (through sprinkles) that is then topped with gum. If you package it in bright pink and yellow and put lots of doo-dads on it, it's sure to be irresistible.
And there you have it: a formula that perfectly creates the evil aisle, one comparable to the evil eye of Mordor. It pulses its inescapable malevolence into the hearts of mothers every time we enter the store.
But here's the thing: Villains have vastly underestimated the strength of mothers. Our strength, forged in the fiery volcano called "dealing with children every single day," is a match for any foe. Bring it on. The evil aisle is yet one more victory in our day. Our sanity may be bruised and battered, but we remain triumphant.
Adena Campbell is the mother of two energetic and exhausting boys, and teaches high school part time. For more adventures in motherhood, check out her blog at http://campbellcavorts.blogspot.com/