I was studying Georgia O'Keeffe's abstractions, seduced by her simple charcoal curves, pink-and-blue flowers and cloud fields, when my cellphone rang.
That afternoon in Santa Fe, I had slipped out of my parents' hotel. As they napped, I strolled around the Plaza and found myself at the museum devoted to one of my favorite artists.
Still, my thoughts of Mom and Dad were never far. When I answered my phone, I knew I would hear my father's voice.
"Please come back to the hotel," he said. "We've decided to go to the clinic."
New Mexico's enchantment had lured me away from Dallas several times before. This time, I came for my parents. Classical music lovers, they were on a tour that included the Santa Fe Opera. They invited me to join them for a few days.
I get to see my parents, who live in Illinois, only three or four times a year. So I readily accepted their invitation, even though I knew there would be challenges, as well as joys, in traveling with elderly parents.
Longtime global explorers, Mom and Dad have reached their mid-70s. They have slowed down. Despite my father's stubborn nature (some say I have inherited the same), they can neither travel as much, nor do as much during their travels, as they did in their prime. To compound matters, my mother's health has been faltering.
While in Santa Fe, Mom started suffering abdominal pain. At first, we thought it might be the result of a bad meal or the city's high altitude. When her pain didn't subside, I scouted out a walk-in clinic and tried to persuade her to see a doctor. She resisted.
Then, my father's phone call.
Like most people who are making that inexorable slide into middle-age, I was struggling to piece together the narrative of my relationship with my parents, once strained but now better.
As I left the museum and rushed back to the hotel, I realized that this trip would have to be for them, not for me.
One of my earliest travel memories involves a trip I took with my father to New York. We were living in Boston. My dad — a young engineering professor — and a colleague drove to New York on business. For some reason, they decided to invite a 5-year-old along.
My father and I sat in the back of the car. I placed my head in his lap. Then I began to feel carsick. Dad asked me whether I was OK. I replied by throwing up. My dad didn't have an extra pair of pants (I think he and I were visiting New York just for the day). He had to borrow some pants from his colleague, a shorter man. (This was OK, since most engineers wore ill-fitting flood pants anyway.)
I don't recall my father getting angry with me. Already, I had learned my first travel lesson: Expect the unexpected, and when the unexpected happens, roll with it. (And bring a second pair of pants, just in case.)
My parents not only taught me how to travel; they inspired me to love the journey.
They took my siblings and me overseas when we were children. We lived in Switzerland in 1971 and Germany in 1976, traveling all over Europe. I remember carrying my suitcase and trying to keep up with my dad as he led the family through one train station after another.
Those memories make it all the harder for me to watch Mom and Dad increasingly struggle with travel. Now I am the one who must slow his pace to allow them to catch up.
In recent years, I have traveled with them to Houston, San Antonio, Las Vegas, Los Angeles and San Francisco. It's become important to plan ahead. I make sure I book the same hotel or one close to theirs, so that I can come to their assistance quickly. I ask them whether they'd like me to rent a car, as I will gladly chauffeur them around town.
I've had to change my expectations. We focus on one or two activities a day, saving enough time for rest. Meals are interesting. My parents have become more particular about their food and how it should be prepared. The prelude to the meal often becomes a protracted education of — or negotiation with — the waiter.
When traveling with elderly parents, be flexible, says Dr. Stanley Ingman, professor of applied gerontology at the University of North Texas. Talk about your plans and expectations early on. Your parents "may not want to go, go, go, like you want to go," he says. "Be prepared for more naps. It's a cooperative deal. If you're not prepared for that, you'll be frustrated."
Travel can open your eyes to your parents' limitations, says Lue Taff, geriatric care manager at the Senior Source in Dallas.
"Parents, especially if both are still alive, tend to cover for each other," she explains. "But when you spend time with them (on a trip), you'll see things you haven't before."
Amy Goyer, AARP's family expert, has traveled with her parents, who are in their 80s. She says that, no matter what challenges arise, the adult children must remain calm.
"You are the stabilizing force," she says. "This is the time you can't afford to get upset. … One of the things about traveling with older family members is that you have to be a bit fearless. There isn't much that happens when you travel that can't be dealt with."
In the waiting room of the Santa Fe clinic, I leafed through a magazine. My parents were in the examining room with the physician's assistant. I thought about abstractions: How you think you're prepared for your parents' decline, but you have to experience it firsthand to truly understand.
For years, as I grew up and went off to college, I tried to be the good son. To me, that meant following my parents' wishes. It wasn't until I decided to become a journalist that I broke away from their expectations. They had wanted me to become a scientist (or at worst, a lawyer); they were disappointed with my choice. So I had to distance myself, geographically and emotionally, to forge my own path.
At least that's the narrative that I've told myself. It could be that my parents, who grew up fleeing wars in China, just wanted me to be happy and successful, and could not imagine that happening in a newsroom.
Now, as they enter their twilight years, I want to close the distance. Travel, our common love, has helped us reconnect. On our journeys, there's no one I would rather enjoy a meal with than my father. On our journeys, there's no one I would rather watch people with than my mother.
I put down the magazine as my parents emerged from the examining room. The physician's assistant said that my mother would be OK, but she should get a more complete exam upon their return home. (Later, she would be diagnosed with a hernia, but she would not need surgery.)
My mother and I walked to the front desk to complete some forms. Mom has a way of setting people at ease, and she chatted up the receptionist.
"Can I ask you a favor?" the woman asked my mother. "Can you tell me what this means?"
The woman pointed to a pendant around her neck; it was a Chinese character.
My mother bent down for a closer look. "Oh," she said. "It's happiness."
Tips for traveling with elderly parents
Choose a destination with your parents' interests and mobility in mind. For example, a resort or cruise might be easier than a place where they'd have to walk great distances.
Plan ahead. Find out the most efficient way to get from the airport to the hotel. Get more information about where your hotel is and what sights are nearby. Study your destination's transportation system, including taxis, buses and trains. Learn more about restaurants that can cater to your parents' dietary needs.
Talk with your parents about your expectations ahead of time. Will your parents focus on one or two activities a day? Will the rest of the family be able to do other things independently?
Be aware that as your parents get older, they may be less able to cope with, and may even get confused by, unfamiliar settings.
Consider booking a direct flight, even if it's more expensive. Amy Goyer, the AARP expert, and her parents booked a flight with a connection in Dallas. But then bad weather shut down Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. Goyer and her parents couldn't get a flight out of Dallas for two days. It was an exhausting experience, she says.
Make sure your parents pack their medications in carry-on bags, if they're flying. Be sure they take relevant medical records, including a list of medications and allergies, as well as health insurance information.
If your parents need wheelchairs, call ahead at airports. Even if they don't need wheelchairs, consider getting the assistance of a Sky Cap, who can get you through airport security more efficiently.
Dehydration can be a problem during travel, especially for seniors. Make sure your parents drink lots of water.
Budget enough time each day for your parents to get some rest and take naps.
As airports have tightened security, lines have grown longer and the process has become more stressful. Get to the airport earlier than you're used to in order to give your parents time to navigate security.
Be prepared for unresolved family and parent-child issues to arise — for example, when your parents start treating you like a child (and when you start acting like one).
(Sources: Lue Taff, geriatric care manager at the Senior Source; Amy Goyer, AARP's family expert; Dr. Stanley Ingman, University of North Texas professor of applied gerontology)
Dist. by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.