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American Airlines is offering a new pay feature designed to help the troubled airline out of financial difficulty. For a slight additional charge, the airline will actually bolt your seat to the floor.

Airline officials say the three separate flights in which seats came unbolted recently were not related to labor problems at American. Passengers may have loosened the seats over the years by spilling sodas. Suddenly, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg's ears perked up.

Bloomberg, by the way, has briefly turned his attention from banning sodas. Now he wants to take away the one thing little children who need a tonsillectomy can look forward to — ice cream in the hospital. Am I the only one who suspects Bloomberg is hiding a secret stash of goodies somewhere at his house, and that he laughs maniacally as he eats them alone?

Bloomberg wants to limit the junk food people eat in hospitals. Word is Mary Poppins was seen wandering outside New York Presbyterian begging for just a spoonful of sugar.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Denver police are still looking for Jim Lehrer, who reportedly was wandering the streets muttering, "Their two minutes are up but they just won't stop talking!"

Lehrer was supposed to moderate the first presidential debate this week. However, he disappeared shortly after introductions and hasn't been seen since.

Meanwhile, a beleaguered President Barack Obama was telling Americans that "was not the real Mitt Romney" he debated. Of course — the bolt in his neck, the smoke coming out of his ears, it all makes sense now.

Meanwhile, Americans are eagerly anticipating Vice President Joe Biden's performance at his upcoming debate with Paul Ryan — kind of the way American Airlines passengers eagerly look to see if anything comes unbolted during takeoff.

Biden told an audience last week that the middle class has been "buried" for the past four years, apparently forgetting he was part of the administration during that time.

That's OK, Mr. vice president, a lot of Americans forgot you were part of the administration during that time, too.

An Orem man was confused recently when his yellow Labrador called him on the telephone at work. As any fan of The Jetsons or Scooby Doo can attest, there is nothing unusual in this.

The dog, Maya, reportedly shrugged and said this isn't such a big thing for a dog to do, except that she often forgets she now has to dial the area code for local calls.

Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.