In a recent tally, 93 percent of people asked agreed that football was higher on their list of very important things than world peace, which received 8 percent of the votes.
Convincing the judge to take their side on a failure to keep their dog on a leash ticket received 5 percent of the vote, and the last 6 percent was split between money for the winter heating bill and cancer prevention at 3 percent apiece.
Yes, I know that the totals don’t add up, but who am I to question science or math?
The point is that football is more important to many people than world peace. At least that's the case according to my son's lunchtime poll. He collected information over several days in his school's cafeteria, into which I poured some sort-of-serious allowance money for a set of respectable survey statistics.
I ask, are any of us surprised that football reigns in the … um, poll? Just look at the TV percentages. Recently, a nightly news report featured a full special analyzing the many Gisele Bundchen approved hairstyles of true Patriot Tom Brady — whose hair she named as being as important to her as her work with Save the Children or Doctors Without Borders. Talk about some serious priorities.
Then, in an assumed rebuttal, ESPN sports shorts focused an entire episode on Troy Polamalu's opinion on the Brady hairstyle report, with suggestions and recommendations for future coiffures.
Professional football games are broadcast five days a week. And there are half a dozen pro and college football commentaries on the tube at any given hour. Mix 50 college games in, add all the sports channels running football games during the offseason as well as a few high school state football playoffs, and you get a ratings equivalent of Princess Diana’s wedding and funeral procession, Lucy's having a baby, and an entire season of Zombie festivities.
Speaking of jocks
Only one other sport gets as much airtime as football, and I, for one, am tired of partisan politics. Let them pay for their own pads and protective cups and duke it out like real men.
I would tune into C-SPAN with 111 million of my close friends — a typical Super Bowl audience — if Harry Reid and John Boehner rubbed shoulder pads. Only then might they have a legitimate claim to the head injuries we have all suffered for the last several months. I would pay money to see one of them get horse-collared.
If Nancy Pelosi had to don a pair of integrated compression shorts, some of the congressional funny-stuff might come to a quick end.
At least none of the politicians have huge, state-topping salaries like football coaches have in 27 states.
Bringing it home
My wife has selections in four different fantasy football teams, including one league in which she may have to shave her head if she places last. What would Gisele say to bald?
On top of everything, my honey feels that because she mans these fantasy football teams, she doesn’t have to go to church on Sunday as long as she does someone a good turn throughout the week and doesn‘t leave anyone on the bench.
And I have to be very specific with her concerning which book to use for the Primary lesson. Don’t ask.
Because she loves football, my children have learned to love it. Because all of them love it, I have started following a few pro teams to go with my beloved BYU Cougars, who seem to be entering a realm of their own as independents. I put a game on the radio as I paint a wall or rake leaves, and if something good happens I run in to see the replay.
When all else fails with friends or the people I have to be around at work, we can always talk about football and the 50 some-odd points the Patriots scored in the last game, or at least discuss Brady's faux-faux-hawk.
And now, a quick update on the poll
Never mind. As pleasant as football is as a pastime, many of those my son polled thought he was asking about football vs whirled peas, which is a different thing entirely. Time and time again, I have asked that boy to not speak with his mouth full while he polls.
He’s just going to have to get his own job. I can't continue to make up work for him so he can earn enough for his new football cleats and Tom Brady hair.
Davison Cheney wrote the Prodigal Dad series on KSL.com for two years. See his other writings at davisoncheneymegadad.blogspot.com and on Twitter @davisoncheney.