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On Second Thought

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Last week, officials arrested international soccer officials in Switzerland and Miami in connection with allegations they are part of a bribery scheme dating back more than 20 years. The charges in this case are tricky. The statute of limitations runs out when the referee decides enough stoppage time has elapsed.

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The FIFA scandal is alleged to have involved at least $151 million in bribes. In their defense, defiant officials said, “Yeah, well at least our soccer balls weren’t deflated.”

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FIFA said the arrests won’t keep it from holding a World Cup in Qatar, a land rich in soccer tradition dating back to the day the country was awarded the bid.

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In Qatar, the government has been known to pay migrant workers to pose as rabid fans at sporting events. At least in Utah we soak taxpayers only for the cost of a stadium, not the fans.

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Sports commentators in Qatar often talk about “feeling electricity in the air” before an event. That’s just static from the prods that are on hand in case the cheering doesn’t sound sincere enough.

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You know the old postal carrier’s motto? It goes something like this, “Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor live anthrax spores in envelopes stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

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The Dugway Proving Grounds accidentally sent live anthrax as part of a test to see how well the Defense Department can identify biological threats to the general population. The good news is they identified the threat fairly quickly. The bad news is they didn’t identify it before the envelopes got stuffed, mailed and delivered. With government workers like these, who needs terrorists?

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State tourism officials were quick to react to the scandal, buying new ads that say, “Come to Utah. Now anthrax free!”

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The IRS says the returns of about 100,000 taxpayers were stolen by some cybercriminal in Russia. Meanwhile, Ed Snowden, last seen driving a new car to his expensive villa outside Moscow, was heard to say, “Oh yeah, that’s another problem with your government I was going to tell you about.”

Jay Evensen is the senior editorial columnist at the Deseret News. Email him at even@desnews.com. For more content, visit his website, jayevensen.com.