Dear Angela,
My boyfriend hasn’t told me that he loves me. We’ve known each other for a year, we’ve been exclusively dating for the past few months, he talks about our future together (marriage, kids, buying a house one day, etc.). But, still he maintains that he doesn’t know if he loves me.
I told him I love him, and I think I mean it. Even if what I’m feeling isn’t love, I’m definitely emotionally committed to him enough to tell him that special phrase. But now I feel kind of out on a scary limb as the only person who has said it and that makes me uncomfortable. How do I get him to tell me that he loves me? To make sure we’re on the same page?
Committed
Dear Committed,
“I love you” is a wonderful thing to hear, and even say for some people. However, it’s not the only (or even best) measure of someone’s emotional commitment to another person. Think about what you’ve said in your question: “Even if what I’m feeling isn’t love, I’m definitely emotionally committed…”
So, you’re not even sure if the word love is the best way to articulate your feelings. What if your BF is in the same boat?
He may be thinking, “I don’t know if this is love, but I’m definitely thinking about the future, so I’m going to talk about that.”
Or, “I don’t know if this is love, but I definitely only want to be dating her, so let’s be exclusive.”
The main point I’m trying to make is that just because he hasn’t said those words doesn’t mean that you two aren’t feeling the same things. You’ve decided to call what you’re feeling love — he’s still deciding what it’s called. Does he treat you well? Do you treat him well? Do you trust him? Can he trust you? Do you try to take care of him? Does he try to take care of you? These are better indicators of emotional commitment than the phrase, “I love you.”
Align yourselves based on those conversations, enjoy the feeling of becoming emotionally committed, and give the relationship time to mature. Love is a powerful emotion and a few months of dating isn't that long.
Hope this helps.
Love,
Angela
Readers: What advice would you give our friend? What are your experiences with the phrase, "I love you"?
Like the Ask Angela Column on Facebook for more Ask Angela.
Angela Trusty gives advice about religion and relationships. Submit a topic to askangela.dn@gmail.com