My husband Jeremy and I were married in April 2015. Our life together is so sweet and full of incredible happiness and love for each other.
In September 2015, we found out that I was pregnant. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I have always wanted to be a mom and feel that motherhood is why God put me on this Earth. At my 10-week appointment, our little one was found lifeless inside. Needless to say, we were devastated.
As the miscarriage progressed, we learned of a second baby that had also passed away — twins. Our hearts were broken as I went through labor and the painful process of losing two babies.
In May 2016, another 10-week appointment rolled around. This time a strong 180 beats per minute flashed on the monitor. Jeremy and I could not contain our excitement and enthusiasm for a healthy baby. Less than a week later, contractions began and we again went through the painful process of losing yet another child.
When I miscarried my babies, I was in complete despair. I lost my purpose, my confidence and felt stripped of everything that made me who I am.
Countless doctors and people would say, “Maybe it's for the best." "Now you can travel and enjoy life.” “This happens to everyone. Enjoy not having kids.” I knew most people had good intentions with their comments, but I didn’t feel like two miscarriages were for the best, or that travel and other life experiences were better and something that could replace motherhood.
I began to wonder why we had such strong spiritual convictions to start our family early in life, then have all those hopes crushed.
On many occasions, I felt like God had put me in the standby line. I felt like I was constantly standing by for the blessings of full-term pregnancy and of motherhood. Maybe I was on standby because I needed to learn patience, maybe to grow closer to my husband or maybe just to feel the kind of pain and grief that cripples you, then builds you into something new.
But waiting is hard. That standby line seems to go on forever. While waiting for God's plan to unfold more, I’ve learned a few things. I firmly believe that one of the biggest reasons for trial and tribulation is to refine and polish you to make you into something better.
In a Mormon message, Elder Quentin L. Cook of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, “The refiner's fire is real, and the qualities, character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction, perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God.”
Through that refining process, I have seen how God has shaped me and my marriage into what he wants it to be.
While in that standby line, I also learned that I had a choice. I could be miserable and unhappy or I could turn things around and learn something from this experience. I had a marriage to cultivate, and a life to keep living for my Heavenly Father. My choice was to love them from this side of the veil and to never forget the blessing they are in my life.
I chose to be happy again.
After some time has passed and I have had time to reflect, I have recognized the blessings of being in the standby line, one of which is the power of God to spiritually heal us.
I have gained so much strength from a quote by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve that says, “There is no earthly sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.” Through devotion to my faith, the powers of heaven have made my broken heart whole again.
As my place in the standby line continues, I have clung to the knowledge that families are forever. A quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve sits in my living room, which says, “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”
I know that one day, the blessings of motherhood will come. Whether it is now or later, my time in the standby line will end.
Breaunna Stone is a Marriage and Family Studies major at BYU-Idaho. She loves her life, husband, family, and faith.