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Genessy: My expert Super Bowl analysis: 'It's a Tide ad'

Screenshot of a Tide TV commercial.
Screenshot of a Tide TV commercial.

I know a lot of you are wondering, so let me share my favorite moment from Super Bowl IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII:

Moments after that incredible game-winning TD catch by QB Nick Foles, that critical Tom Brady fumble the Eagles forced and that Hail Mary pass everybody thought the Patriots were going to haul in as we all held our breath and/or screamed “NOOOOOOOO,” the NFL commissioner was on Justin Timberlake’s stage trying to figure out how to dance with the microphone stand and ready to hand over the Vince Lombardi trophy to Philadelphia when the sheriff from Stranger Things interrupted him.

“Roger, it’s a Tide ad.” of the players’ uniforms had any mud or grass stains on them, so, heck, maybe the Super Bowl was just one big staged laundry detergent commercial. (Before you flame me in the comments section, I do know the game was played on artificial turf so there wouldn’t have been any natural surface stains.)

Here’s something I don’t know, though: anything that happened in the pregame or most of the first quarter. My family‘s church goes from 1 p.m.-4 p.m. — probably better not complain about awful church times in the LDS Church-owned newspaper — and I was working on a big project, so we actually didn’t get to the Super Bowl party we were invited to until the score was already 9-3 in favor of the team this bitter Steelers fan wanted to lose less than the other team.

I’ll assume the national anthem happened and that half of the country was mad because people either knelt or didn’t kneel or didn’t even listen because they were driving in their minivan trying to ignore the four kids in the back who were screaming and fighting with each other en route to their Super Bowl parties.

Good news: There was plenty of amazing brisket left even though we arrived fashionably late. I probably missed some good commercials, too. I also didn’t see the Han Solo promo. (Side note: You know society has gotten away from itself when trailers for movies have their own trailers.) I imagine the Solo teaser trailer went something like this:

Dramatic music by John Williams sets scene in the background. Princess Leia, dressed in an elegant white gown, romantically kisses Han Solo, dressed in a fashionable white shirt that scoundrels from his galaxy wear. Storm troopers, also dressed in white protective armor that really doesn’t protect, yank Solo away from Leia and begin escorting him to the human-size Carbonite Popsicle Maker.

Leia leans toward Han.Hans.

The swooping music reaches an emotional crescendo.

The princess opens her mouth to share an important sentimental message for Chewbacca’s best buddy.

“I love …”

The sheriff from Stranger Things enters scene.

“Han, it’s a Tide ad.”

“I know.”

Other random observations from three-fourths of the most entertaining Tide ads, I mean, Super Bowls I’ve watched:

• Patriots receiver Brandin Cooks had a couple of rough moments in the first half. Cooks tried to hurdle over Eagles safety Rodney McLeod on third-and-2, but he would have needed to borrow one of the Jazz Dunk team’s mini-trampolines to get high enough clear the defender. “Not everyone can do the Taysom Hill,” joked my party host, Jason Shepherd of BYUtv. Cooks was then blindsided by a Philadelphia truck named Malcolm Jenkins, making the New England receiver wish this was a Tide ad.

Putting the hurt in hurdle:

Putting the hurt on:

• I saw two lip-syncing musicals over the weekend — “The Greatest Showman,” featuring Wolverine and a bearded lady, and the Doritos/Mountain Dew spectacle, starring Peter Dinklage and Morgan Freeman. Both were delightfully entertaining.• A thought came to mind during a trailer for an upcoming Tom Cruise movie: Have there been more Super Bowls or Mission: Impossible movies?

• Tom Brady showed us he can’t catch the ball and he’s a really s-l-o-w runner, so other than part about him throwing for more than 500 yards as a 40-year-old QB and being married to a super model, he’s just like the rest of America’s middle-aged men.

• The sheriff from Stranger Things is whistling the Old Spice tune on a horse with the buff Old Spice pitchman. Tide ad, of course.

• Went upstairs to load up my plate and came back down to see the Eagles had scored again. Now I’ve missed all four scoring plays. It’s a good thing I wasn’t being paid to actually report on a Super Bowl.

• Touching use of a Martin Luther King Jr. quote in a Dodge commercial. “I look to a day when trucks will not be judged by the color of their paint job, but by the content of their engine.”

• The Patriots kicking team is really wishing at this point — after botching an extra-point attempt and a field goal — that slow-motion replay technology had not been invented.

• Three surprising plot twists emerge in a movie trailer: 1. Thor is Crocodile Dundee’s son; 2. This spot is actually a commercial; 3. It’s not a Tide ad, it’s for

• Laughed at the Angels’ social media team responding to Al Michaels calling them the California Angels while he was speaking about Mike Trout attending the Super Bowl.

• One of the young kids informs us that Team Fluff won the Puppy Bowl, which was on the upstairs TV. It was a — sorry — ruff day for those rooting for the other team to win the Lombarky Trophy.

• Overall, I thought the halftime show was pretty entertaining. I was hoping the Backstreet Boys would join Justin Timberlake, but I'm pretty sure we were all relieved that him singing “I’m bringing sexy back” was not a cue for Janet Jackson to show up. The best part of the halftime show, of course, was when JT went into the stands and encouraged a teenager to take a selfie with him. The kid looked confused as he handled his phone and took a second selfie after it appeared the first one didn’t work. Entertainment ensued on Twitter:

Selfie Kid wonders who the old dude singing next to him is:

Selfie Kid was given bad info:

Selfie Kid is a … Jazz fan?

I jokingly tweeted that Justin Timberlake had somehow found the only kid in the world who didn't know how to take a selfie, but I'll have to give him credit. He actually pulled it off:

• A woman starts fantasizing about dancing with Mr. Clean in a commercial when, of course, the sheriff from Stranger Things rudely brought her back to reality. “Sarah. Sarah. It’s a Tide ad.”

• Eli Manning and Odell Beckham Jr. are hilariously re-creating a scene from “Dirty Dancing,” and I think I just became a New York Giants fan.

• Wondered how many people had queasy stomachs after back-to-back commercials about SPAM — “Sizzle Pork And MM!” — and a depressing texting-and-driving-awareness PSA that shows a nice family getting hit by a distracted driver.

• My team wasn’t playing, but the intense, back-and-forth ending of this Super Bowl is what makes being a sports fan so much fun. The reaction to the Eagles' thrilling 41-33 win on Twitter definitely added to the fun:

Some great headlines from Philly newspapers:

Meanwhile, back in Boston …

My final two thoughts in the aftermath of this annual extravaganza:

  1. My pants seem to have shrunk overnight. Maybe I’m swelling up because of an allergic reaction to something in the Rice Krispies treats, brownies, sweet potato doughnuts, M&Ms, licorice, molasses cookies, brisket sandwiches, chips and pizza I ate.
  2. Here’s hoping my Pittsburgh Steelers are in next year’s Tide ad!