First meetings are sacred, as are last. Funerals matter. During the last week of August, in the long goodbyes to Sen. John McCain and Aretha Franklin, the nation was reminded that endings matter.
The power and importance of funerals is not in the comfort they provide, nor the loving memories they evoke — the real power is in what they inspire and cause us to become in the future: better men and better women, better friends and better neighbors, better leaders and better followers.
While the cynic complains that funerals turn sinners into saints and serve to whitewash otherwise ordinary lives into something better, the wise recognize funerals as a way to get to the essence of an individual. Funerals also demonstrate how trivial disagreements, character flaws and human mistakes prove trivial in the end. At the conclusion of a life — whether short or long, heroic or tragic — experiencing the core of an individual can be transformational.
One of the most important lessons I learned from my dad is one we never had a single conversation about, but one I watched and witnessed. The lesson? Endings matter.
Living in a house with 11 children meant a never-ending rush of people coming and going, always compounded by the fact that our home was the gathering spot for parties, neighborhood get-togethers and dinners.
At the end of a family gathering, neighborhood party or visit with friends, it was never adequate for my dad to just say goodbye from the living room. A hug or handshake in the kitchen on the way out? Not enough. “See you soon” from the front door? Completely insufficient. Dad always walked you out — snow, rain or sunshine — all the way until the car door was closed. Then he waited, to wave one last time as you drove away — because endings matter.
My dad passed away in February of 2017, and we titled his obituary “Endings Matter.” His funeral contained enough lessons for a master class on living purposefully and meaningfully.
One of the most important lessons I learned from my dad is one we never had a single conversation about, but one I watched and witnessed. The lesson? Endings matter.
The funeral services for John McCain contained stirring tributes but also powerful insight into the principles and character that drove his extraordinary life. In the planning of his own funeral, McCain was teaching.
A few lessons:
For a man who hated to lose at anything, McCain inviting to speak the two men who defeated him in his bid for the White House, former Presidents George W. Bush and Barack Obama, showed great humility and the realization that profound failure can lead to profound learning and leadership.
Former Sen. Joe Lieberman, a practicing Jew, described McCain’s willingness to walk with him to Saturday votes, to join him in skipping events on the Jewish Sabbath and their many conversations about the need to serve a cause greater than self. The greater cause was the idea of American values, freedom, human rights, opportunity. In closing, Lieberman said, “In John's life, he nobly served and advanced these American values, and remarkably his death seems to have reminded the American people that these values are what make us a great nation."
McCain’s funeral also showed that in the end humor is the great elixir, equalizer and elevator. Many humorous stories brought laughter and taught important principles. In one humorous social media moment, former President Bush snitched a piece of candy from his wife Laura and sneakily shared it with Michelle Obama. A universal moment that united anyone who had ever sat in a funeral.
In a life celebration that continued without a pause for more than eight hours, the “Queen of Soul” Aretha Franklin was honored. Her funeral also contained important lessons including:
Grit and determination decide destiny more than talent or gifts. Franklin faced challenges large and small, but with steely determination she pressed on and ultimately prevailed.
Many of those who spoke or performed quoted Franklin or “covered” one of her many renowned songs. Emulation is the best form of admiration and celebration. Her funeral also proved that there is no end to music — great music goes on.
Respect — period. Or, with Franklin that may more appropriately be an exclamation point.
After my father’s funeral, I found a comment left on the Deseret News obituary page that confirmed why funerals and endings are so important. The comment read, “I never met Bob Matheson … or knew that he existed until I was shining my shoes today and noticed that one of the obituaries on the sheet of newspaper under my shoes had a title: ‘Endings Matter.’ I read that obituary and then read it again to my wife. One more life was touched. … If only more people on this planet knew the secrets that Bob knew ‘to never judge or hold a grudge’ and that ‘you get the best out of people by seeing the best in people.’” A very fitting ending and lesson for me.
It is true that we honor best those who have gone before by living our lives with excellence today. Funerals are the perfect ending that also provide the perfect beginning to becoming better.