SALT LAKE CITY — If Quin Snyder needs some advice on what to do with Donovan Mitchell, he should look no further than Twitter.
Among others, Char (a.k.a. @ChartieBartie) has some advice for him in her bio.
"Start Donovan Mitchell at point guard."
That six-word bio made me laugh — not because Mitchell wouldn't be a great point guard but because it isn't exactly what you'd expect to see in a spot intended to let people know a little bit about you.
It remains to be seen if Snyder will heed the Jazz fan's advice, but the starting lineup suggestion sent me on a fun journey around other Twitter bios.
Some people simply tell you what they do and like to do. Donovan Mitchell? He isn't campaigning for a starting point guard job — he begins with his "Be humble" mantra and informs people that he plays for the Jazz and used to play for Louisville. Rudy Gobert's bio is simple: "Utah Jazz." Joe Ingles notes that he's on the Jazz and the Australian national team and was a "Euroleague Champion!" And Ricky Rubio simply has a rose emoji in his bio.
Now, on to the ones that entertained me (with occasional commentary).
• Sporty McSports (@SportsOutliers): "I tweet before I think." (Not an uncommon problem. For others, of course.)
• Spencer Cox (@SpencerJCox): Utah’s lieutenant governor is a cult hero on social media. This tidbit from his bio is why: “Recovering Attorney.” Oh yeah, and this part, “I do all my own stunts on Twitter.”
• Toli (@TVlamakis): "I argue on Twitter. I love the Utah Jazz." (Trust me when I tell you the first sentence is not exclusive to people who adhere to the second sentence.)
• Jack Ryan Cooley (@JackCooligan45): "Occasionally I play basketball, but mainly I’m a father of two puppies." (Most of us were surprised to find out one of our favorite dog owners was also a pro basketball player.)
• Big Fatty (@BiggyWyoming): "Big, but not big enough for my own TV show."
• Parker Sutton (@Parksutt): "Never forget. Jordan pushed off and Derek Fisher lied to get out of three contracts."
• Aaron Hefner (@Aheffy): "I’m just here for the Jazz." (Basketball, not music.)
• Angie Treasure, aka @snark_tank, informs that she’s the social media manager for the Utah Jazz and offers a friendly house rule/tip for her account: “Only @ me (tweet at her) if you understand I have no power.” (We're guessing she also has no tickets, so leave her alone.)
• Eric Lind Friend (@HipMrBully): His tribute quote to the late Emory Tate sounds like sound chess advice — or maybe he’s referring to Monopoly or Sorry. “Look at the strangest move on the board first. The opponent probably isn’t analyzing it.”
• CH O (@ChaplainONeil): "Army Chaplain serving soldiers." (Thanks for your service — and for the service.)
• Dilly, Dilly (@UteGorilla): He lets us know he’s a fan of the Utah Utes, Chicago Cubs, Pittsburgh Steelers (my kind of guy!) and the Utah Jazz. To Char’s approval, he also adds, “Donovan Mitchell is the GOAT.” (If you’re not familiar with that acronym, GOAT stands for Greatest Of All Time.)
• Skyler Hardman (@Skydiz): “Sports and attempts at humor.” (As someone who also attempts humor — but who's too out of shape to attempt sports — I have to give Skyler credit for his honesty.)
• Jelly Jam (@JellyWasTaken): “If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.” (Having spent an embarrassing amount of time on Twitter going back and forth against people with, um, interesting points of view — read: not mine — this bio struck me as quite accurate and funny.)
• Jeremiah Jensen (@JJSportsBeat): Jensen informs his audience that he’s a KSL sports anchor, that he’s from Star Valley, Wyoming, and (my favorite part), “You’re right, I do hate your favorite team.” (I knew he held a grudge against my SLCC Bruins!)
• Clark Schmutz (@Clarkpojo): Many hardcore Jazz players feel similarly to Schmutz, who professes, “Dennis Lindsey is probably my favorite Jazz player.”
• Paul Dishwasher (@DishwasherPaul): “I’ll stay anonymous because I don’t want to lose my job.” (I should have thought about doing this before joining Twitter.)
• Taco Trey Kerby (@treykerby — of “The Starters” NBA show): "Once fist-bumped Guy Fieri." (This reminds me of the time I met Jack Nicholson in a Delta Center bathroom during halftime of an NBA Finals game in 1998.)
• Lucas Falk (@Lucaswfalk): “If you’re looking for medicore sports tweets, this is the place.”
• This Is The Place (@Thisistheplace1, the park’s official account): “This is The FUN Place For Everyone!" (For the record This Is The Place is not the place for mediocre sports tweets.)
• Jesi Fiso (@jvfiso): “Jesus in my heart and Dr Pepper in my veins.” (Also one of my favorite church hymns.)
• Jarron Collins (@jarronctwin): The former Jazz center shared some wise advice from Grandma. "Your reputation will go places YOU will never go. Carry yourself accordingly."
• Jeff (@carty64): In three simple words, Jeff shares probably the wisest life advice we'll ever get (yet many of us will sadly ignore): "Stop using Twitter."