Alexis de Tocqueville, in the introduction to "Democracy in America," noted that the power of the American experience was to be found in the way citizens regularly, powerfully and freely came together to help friends, neighbors and those in need. Such free association, he posited, could be the greatest power for good, to lift, ennoble and enlighten citizens of every economic class — not through coercion of government but through cooperation and good will. The American experience has always been an experiment in the inherent goodness of people and the power of friendship.
My family spent many hours, probably too many, watching the TV series "The West Wing." It was the perfect combination of fast-paced, sophisticated dialogue merged with principles and politics to create the perfect form of entertainment. Years later as a real-life chief of staff in the United States Senate, I would realize that the “West Wing” moments in Washington were actually few and far between. But they do happen. And, interestingly, most of those moments were connected, not to politics but to people.
One of the most powerful scenes in Aaron Sorkin’s “West Wing” occurred in an episode when the president’s chief of staff, Leo McGarry, a recovering alcoholic, reached out to a struggling staffer in Josh Lyman.
When Lyman asks the often surly McGarry why he had waited hours for him to come out of a counseling session, McGarry responded with a story:
This guy is walking down a street when he falls in hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, “Hey you, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer throws it down in the hole and moves on. Finally, a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before … And I know the way out.”
I have regularly been blessed by such friends. People who have experienced hard things but were willing to jump into whatever hole I had fallen, or dug my way, into. Often these “hole jumpers” have appeared in the form of friends I had never met.
William Penn is purported to have said, “A true friend advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably.”
Some people come into our lives for a brief season, some come in for a particular reason, some brush past us and some come in and stay around for a lifetime.
The important thing in any relationship is to recognize that you don’t have to worry about the future. The people you meet, whether lifelong friend, casual acquaintance or one-time connection — all can have a profound impact on who you are, where you are going and what you ultimately become.
One of my favorite pieces from Larry S. Chengges powerfully captures the essence of real friendship:
Every moment we are together, I am learning something; and that knowledge becomes a permanent part of me. Though my feelings will be different a year from now, or ten years from now, part of the difference in my life is you.
Because of you, I am a different person, and the person I will grow to become, with or without you by my side, will have gotten there partly because of you. If you were not in my life right now, I could not be who I am right now. Nor would I be growing in exactly the same way.
Much of what I grow toward, and change within myself, has to do with what I respond to in you and what I learn from you. Also, what I understand about myself and what I learn about my feelings comes through the dynamics of our relationship.
I do not worry about our future together, since we have already touched each other and affected each other’s lives on so many levels that we can never be totally removed from each other’s thoughts.
A part of me will always be you, and a part of you will always be me. That much is certain, no matter what else happens!
I have shared Chengges’ sentiment with individuals, teams I have led and organizations I have left. I am most thankful for those who are worthy of the title of friend.
For me, “friends in high places” has nothing to do with power or position. Such friends are those who have either transcended earthly existence, those whom I have only met through their words or works or those who have joined me, mentally or physically, for a stroll in the low-lying and lonely road of life’s difficult days and trying times.
George Albert Smith, eighth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was just such a friend. Of him it was said, “That he lacked the prowess of an athlete, that we was too homely to win popular favor, and that his weak eyes prevented him from becoming a scholar, but he could excel in human kindness. So, he made love and kindness his specialty.” Part of president Smith’s personal creed for living included, “I would be a friend to the friendless and find joy in ministering to the needs of the poor. … I would not knowingly wound the feelings of any, not even one who may have wronged me, but would seek to do him good and make him my friend.”
To those who have been a friend, you have blessed my life beyond measure. To those who have modelled the qualities of a true friend, you have inspired me to be better. To all who act with the compassion, loyalty and commitment of a true friend, you are the essence of America’s strength, you make our communities strong and are the driving-force that makes our nation great.
As the song says, “Thank you for being a friend.”