How time flies! The first quarter of 2022 is now behind us. Much has happened nationally and locally. As a service to our readers, we are providing a recap of recent major political headlines with their subheads that help explain current events. These journalistic treasures provide analysis in a political context that is imperative for all citizens to understand.
President Joe Biden gives flawless, nonrambling speech. Staff expresses gratitude for not having to “walk back” anything.
Former President Donald Trump admits to multiple mistakes in his administration. Humility is a wonderful character trait, he says.
Bipartisan federal legislation will ensure balanced budget in five years. Members of Congress unanimously agree they won’t saddle future generations with monumental debt.
Sen. Mitt Romney lavishes praise on Trump. Considers him a man of integrity, humility and a model husband.
House Speaker Brad Wilson pushes mandatory “two flush” legislation. The Kaysville Republican hopes initiative will get water faster to the Great Salt Lake.
2022 Academy Awards praised for wholesome entertainment and modest dress on the red carpet. The whole event was family-friendly and wonderful to watch, say critics.
Evan McMullin will legislate and vote telepathically if elected. Independent candidate for Senate abhors actual personal interaction with Republicans and Democrats.
Republican legislators push back against extremist organizations. “We really don’t care what Gayle thinks,” is new motto.
Utah Democrats file antitrust suit against Republicans. “It should be illegal to totally monopolize Utah politics,” say party leaders.
Gov. Spencer Cox pulling back focus and funding for rural initiatives. Governor will target more money and effort on enhancing big city life.
Congress to end televised committee hearings and free mail to constituents. Lawmakers desire to stop grandstanding and focus on substance.
Democratic Party leaders urge all candidates to file as independents. Such tactics are the only way to garner support of high-profile Democrats.
Senate President Stuart Adams proposes funding jetpacks as transportation innovation for all Utahns. The Layton Republican notes the high-tech equipment will save money on roads and public transit, eliminate high fuel costs — and will be much more fun.
Trump haters admit economy was booming under the former president. They also laud the fact that Russia didn’t invade any small countries while Trump was in power.
Trump base admits their hero lost the 2020 election. The evidence is obvious they say. Biden is the rightful president.
Deidre Henderson proposes pottery shards to replace paper ballots. Lieutenant governor notes process worked for ancient Greeks and will silence the election fraud promoters.
Ultraconservative Republican delegates admit irrational tendencies. “We can be too extreme,” they say. “We apologize for promoting conspiracy theories.”
Liberal Democrats strive for tax cuts and education vouchers. “Big government has shown it can’t solve society’s problems,” they say.
Mike Lindell to speak at business conference. “My Pillow” guy to speak to the proposition that even bad publicity is good for business.
Utahn describes wonderful experience walking in downtown Salt Lake City. “For two entire blocks I was not accosted by panhandlers!”
Diet Coke consumption drops in the Beehive State. Many Utahns convinced of the health hazards of too much cold caffeine.
Conservatives demand return of mask mandates and school shutdowns. “We long for the days of growing beards, spending the whole day in pajamas and the Zoom culture.”
Erin Mendenhall categorizes Republicans as oppressed class. The Salt Lake mayor proposes affirmative action for GOP as a disenfranchised minority in Salt Lake City.
Mike Lee admits to obsessive/compulsive disorder. Senator opens up about his obsession with the U.S. Constitution and his ability to recite the entire document backward.
Jenny Wilson promises to stop annoying Republicans in the Legislature. “Life won’t be as fun, but it’s the right thing to do,” says Salt Lake County mayor.
Lew Cramer walks into business reception and knows no one. Utah’s incorrigible networker is embarrassed; vows to do much better next time.
State’s third party fields slate of candidates who are far ahead in the polls. United Utah Party is on track for multiple victories in November.
Sean Reyes challenges Sen. Mitt Romney to a boxing match to decide 2024 GOP Senate nomination. Attorney General demands Donald Trump serve as referee.
Two congresswomen express sorrow for promoting radical initiatives. Georgia GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene and N.Y. Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez join forces to promote moderation and practical solutions to nation’s problems.
Jason Perry confesses to a five-second moment of anger. Unflappable Hinckley Institute director recalls an instant when he was only slightly friendly.
Pignanelli and Webb receive heartfelt accolades for weekly column. Intellectual depth, clarity and remarkable insights are lauded by liberals and conservatives.
So, happy April Fools’ Day! The last three months have been a tough slog for all of us, so we hope we elicited at least one smile. Please note that the last headline was real (smiley face).
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Email: email@example.com.