SALT LAKE CITY — When a liberal-leaning psychologist and a more conservative sociologist discuss American marriages and what creates stable family life for kids, one could expect fireworks. But the coronavirus pandemic brought them together on just how COVID-19 could change marital relationships.
The Institute for Family Studies hosted a webinar on what married life might look like after the COVID-19 pandemic, featuring University of Virginia sociology professor and director of the National Marriage Project W. Bradford Wilcox and psychologist Eli Finkel of Northwestern University, who wrote “The All-or-Nothing Marriage.”
COVID-19 created “the worst pandemic in the century, the worst recession, I think, in our lifetimes and really the worst governmental paralysis that we’ve seen in decades,” said Wilcox, who co-wrote “Soul Mates: Religion. Sex, Love and Marriage Among African Americans and Latinos.”
“We’re seeing tens of thousands of Americans dying, especially our grandparents. We’re seeing millions of parents losing their jobs. And many of us have been struggling with some kind of cabin fever that can make family life difficult obviously at times for people who are stuck with spouse and kids and the like,” he said.
Still, he predicted the pandemic will leave the average marriage stronger as couples shift priorities, despite COVID-related stress on families that may include marital conflict and instability, as well as financial insecurity or loss.
He said people just might give up on “soulmate” marriages — a notion popular since the 1970s that marriage is about intense emotional connection and personal fulfillment, so if spouses stop being happy, it’s OK to walk away.
“The silver lining coming out of this, at least for marriage, is that marriage will emerge stronger, more stable, and more likely to be a secure harbor for our children,” Wilcox said.
Finkel finds that plausible if the COVID-19 pandemic and its economic and other shocks make families more vulnerable. People may “jettison” some of their focus on self-expression and what’s good for themselves in favor of the family’s best interest, at least short-term, he said, noting the speculative nature of the discussion and that they’re talking about couples “on average.”
Pyramid of need
Maslow’s hierarchy underpins both Finkel’s “all-or-nothing” marriage and the soulmate marriage notion. Psychologist Abraham Maslow famously described human needs in terms of a pyramid. The broad base holds universal needs one must satisfy, like food and shelter, before climbing to the next, narrower level to address needs like safety. As each level’s needs are met, one can focus on less basic needs: love and family life, then self-esteem issues like status and freedom.
The very top, where the “all” in all-or-nothing marriages take place, is self-actualization, a me-focused pinnacle. That kind of marriage requires time, resources to invest and a willingness to do so. The reward can be a spectacular union that creates high quality of life, Finkel said.
It also sets up couples, on average, for marital dissatisfaction, creating longing that falls short and discounts “the classical functions of marriage: kids and kin, putting bread on the table and a roof over one’s head,” Wilcox said.
Faced with dramatic economic insecurity, the chance of recurring disease and a need to be more self-reliant, Wilcox suggested the “meaning and the practice of marriage will be changing in ways that make this soulmate model less compelling and less realistic.”
Wilcox predicted marital commitment will increase. “We have seen divorce fall by about 20% since the last Great Recession, and I would suspect that the divorce rate will fall in even more dramatic fashion in the wake of this COVID-related recession.”
Finkel said couples won’t stop caring about intimacy and love, but those at the top of the hierarchy who care the most will care less than they did as reality shifts. “To the degree ... we find ourselves in a world where resources are scarce and the ability to have this sort of connection is difficult, then it’s a great thing that people are letting go of some of those expectations,” he added.
Marriage today
America’s marriage rate hit a record low in 2018, per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, with predictions it will head lower. The report notes correlations between marriage and positive health outcomes and longevity.
Nonmarital births have dropped modestly since the Great Recession, too, and Wilcox expects more of the same post-COVID-19, especially among young couples who may be cautious about starting a family.
The decline will have greater consequence for working-class and poor Americans already battered by pandemic than for others, said Wilcox. Among COVID-19’s wreckage, he added, is that a growing minority of Americans will never marry, which he finds troubling. “Marriage obviously gives meaning, purpose, happiness and solidarity to most of the men and women who marry in America.”
But fewer divorces and less nonmarital childbearing will increase family stability, said Wilcox, who added married Americans will be better off emotionally and financially, taking a “more family-first” approach.
The romantic connection between spouses will be just part of the picture, along with children, commitment, finances and community — the “classic goods that marriage has offered” in the past, he said.
People craving a soulmate marriage may be disappointed in one that would have suited their grandparents well. Still, by striving, they could “achieve a level of marital connection that would have been out of reach in an era where people weren’t even trying to meet those sorts of needs,” Finkel said.
Finkel warned there’s a cost to settling, though it might be good for those struggling in recession to lower some expectations. People who are very compatible or who have the time to really work on the marriage might have succeeded atop the pyramid. They could sell their relationship short.
The degree to which people reach the pinnacle in marriage is an “especially strong correlate” to high quality of life and happiness. Finkel said the effect is “about twice as strong” as it was around 1980.
Similar and diverging views
The American Family Survey, conducted annually by YouGov for the Deseret News and BYU’s Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy, has consistently found “conservatives believe cultural decay is destroying family life, while liberals believe families struggle because of economic challenges.” Despite their differences, they live out their family lives and value relationships in similar ways.
That was true in this discussion, too.
Wilcox said putting spouse and children ahead of self-interest with not just charity, but loyalty and fidelity enhances happiness and family stability.
Finkel agreed that commitment and responsibility to others are “virtually required to have a meaningful long-term family life.” Going into marriage thinking when it no longer feels good, it’s over isn’t a good way to approach marriage.
Maslow agreed, Finkel said. He pointed out those achieving Maslow’s idea of self-actualization had a sense of purpose and a cause greater than themselves. Caring about self-expression and personal growth doesn’t mean seeking short-term pleasure. Rather, said Finkel, “for an increasing number of us, we’re defining a meaningful, purposeful life, once again, in terms of happy, stable family. And nobody’s ever parented like this generation of parents.”
Wilcox sees marriages as the best option for family life and raising kids stably. Finkel sees it as a solid, but not sole option.
Marriage is “one good way to raise children. I certainly wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s the only way,” Finkel said. “I think there are many ways that you can provide a stable life for children. I do think marriage is a pretty well-tested one and I think it is a good bet. I think any other context that also provides a sense of love and a sense that the world is a stable and safe place could also work.”
Wilcox countered that college-educated liberals don’t hesitate to address the importance of equality, diversity and minority rights, but won’t speak up for the value of marriage to stable family, though their families benefit.
Culture and finance
Money is a variable sometimes left out of the story of marriage — a relationship “almost impossible” to unravel because it could be argued that if more people lived more traditionally, there’d be less income inequality, Finkel said.
On the other hand, it’s hard for most to have a pinnacle-topping union if they lack resources. People living at the 50th percentile of working-class income often have two jobs and no time. While wealthier people can pay a babysitter and go out to dinner and woo each other, those with far less may be stuck trying to figure out how to pay to fix Timmy’s bike, Finkel said.
He called it “highly plausible” that people without a college or even a high school degree struggle in ways that make it unlikely they’re thinking deeply about being more committed or cherishing each other more.
Making sure couples have resources and time to really connect would do a lot to make lives — and marriages — better, Finkel said.
And here, again, the two agree. Both see addressing economic challenges facing American families as important. The pandemic’s wake is likely to increase the urgency.
They also agree culture is a crucial issue in the marriage divide. If it was just money, said Finkel, there would not be millions of unhappy rich couples and millions of very happy poor couples in the mix.
While Wilcox said good riddance to soulmate marriages, Finkel hopes people won’t totally let go of aspiring to “more” in marriage.
“What I would like to see is not that everybody maybe comes down Maslow’s hierarchy and sort of settles in somewhere — which I agree with you will be better for the average, but probably worse for some. What I would love is to make all of us better,” he told Wilcox.