Pignanelli & Webb: 2019 has been a wild and crazy political year. And 2020 promises to further escalate the drama and intrigue. We decided to look into what goodies politicians are asking Santa to place in their Christmas stockings to help them survive the big election year. No comment on whether we obtained a FISA warrant to conduct this spying.
Congressman Ben McAdams: Santa, please deliver to Mitt Romney the courage and wisdom to vote against acquittal in the Senate trial next year. I really need the political cover.
Sen. Mitt Romney: I’m hoping at least a three-month supply of Twinkies will fit in my stocking. That should give me a big enough sugar fix to get through the Senate trial.
Sen. Mike Lee: I really want a Judiciary Committee hearing on the Horowitz report so I can grill former FBI Director James Comey. He belongs on the naughty list.
President Donald Trump: Santa, if the Senate overwhelmingly acquits me and Democrats apologize for their horrible conduct, then I know you are real. Otherwise, you are FAKE NEWS!
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: Now that the left-wing members of my caucus got their impeachment, please keep them quiet this election year on the Green New Deal, Medicare for All and the other leftist fantasies.
Former Rep. Fred Cox and his anti-tax reform petitioners: We just need a major miracle — 115,689 signatures by Jan. 21. Santa, you visit that many homes in 10 minutes on Christmas Eve. Just get their signatures.
U.S. Senate minority leadership: Witnesses, we need more witnesses. It won’t help to convict the president, but we can drag this thing out forever.
National Democratic Party leaders: Santa, we demand that you immediately provide all elves a $15 per hour minimum wage, diversity training, safe places, automatic citizenship, universal health care and mandatory “wokeness.”
National Republican Party leaders: Santa, as an older northern European white male, you get us. Please teach us how to deal with political correctness.
Libertarian Party leaders: Santa, we are philosophically opposed to your monopoly and demand that you open gift delivery to private competition like FedEx, Uber and DoorDash. Further, your “naughty and nice” list is an invasion of privacy and must immediately cease.
Gov. Gary Herbert: I don’t ask for much. A quiet last year of office and a legacy as “best governor ever.”
Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox: More polls please. Love that lead beating Huntsman and chances to humble-brag on Twitter.
Jon Huntsman Jr: Nothing big for me. Perhaps a little reminder to Utahns that experience, global relationships and ability to make tough decisions are more important than “niceness.” Plus, I’ll reeliminate the food tax.
Gubernatorial candidates Aimee Winder Newton and Jeff Burningham: Santa, how about delivering our brochures in everyone stockings just to remind them we exist.
Salt Lake City Mayor-elect Erin Mendenhall: Santa, please help me do the impossible — stay friendly with the Legislature and business community while keeping my liberal voters happy.
National news media: Nothing for us this year. Three years ago, you brought us nonstop Trump, the gift that keeps on giving — more viewership and advertising and the opportunity to demonstrate our greatest quality: self-righteousness.
Utah Senate President Stuart Adams: I just need a little more public understanding of the great benefits of comprehensive tax reform.
House Speaker Brad Wilson: Please, Santa. I never want to hear the words “tax reform” ever again.
Congressman John Curtis: Please help me pass legislation that requires me to do product testing at the various motorcycle manufacturing plants around the country.
Congressman Rob Bishop: Santa, please remember my medicinal needs — a truckload of Diet Dr. Pepper.
Congressman Chris Stewart: My 15 minutes of fame on cable news shows has been fun. How about more televised congressional hearing next year? I’m all practiced up on expressing moral outrage at Democrats.
Utah Republican Party Chair Derek Brown: Please deliver me one little gift — a candidate who can defeat Ben McAdams.
Utah Democratic Party leaders: Pardon our confusion. If we ask for something from Santa then we are indentured to an old white male. Wishing merriment during this season’s various celebrations may give offense or pleasure, triggering unknown emotions and committing cultural appropriation, and we therefore refrain. Thus, we wish lovely times on that Dec. 25 date if it’s something you desire, otherwise, not. Just to be safe, we apologize.
Deseret News: Merry Christmas to our readers and thank you for supporting our least favorite charity — Pignanelli & Webb.
Pignanelli & Webb: We’re not sure if we’re on Santa’s nice or naughty list because he doesn’t talk to us for fear that a mention in this column will destroy his reputation.
At any rate, since we gratuitously pander to all, we wish all of our readers a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Wonderful Kwanzaa, Spectacular Festivus!
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Email: frankp@xmission.com.